To You, With Love.

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Photo Credit: Fauxels
Source: pexels.com
Loving you was such a beautiful thing.
You are my best mistake to date, but with mistakes, you learn to live with them because there is no way you can take them back. And there are days I wish I could take it back. I wish I could say I can't remember the last time we talked to each other, but I can. I remember the conversation that ended everything between us. I remember being empty after and finally accepting that this is the last road in loving you. Sometimes my mind wanders to the times we spent together and to other conversations we had. My mind lingers around the laughter and smiles we shared. Slowly, I am letting myself forget all the bad times we had, letting go of the hurt and pain and allowing myself to be. I am ashamed to say that I bask in the remembrance of the good days and the good time we had, and I always whisper a thank you for the happiest year of my life.

Loving you was good to me. 
It helped me become a child again. It enveloped me in such a light and made me feel a lot lighter. Loving you was a drug and I craved it so much. I craved the days I get to spend with you, I craved the way you made me laugh, I crave the giddiness that surrounds us, I craved every charged moment we had. I craved the intense gaze, the lust in them and the smile I always gave in return. You would have thought I exist for love. It was the most natural feeling, and I carried it with care. I cherished it with all I had. I wanted to nurture it, I wanted to let it grow. Loving you gave me purpose, it allowed me to feel like I belonged somewhere, it felt like home. I knew love was more than just a feeling, my love was all about doing and there was nothing you asked for that I denied you. Nothing.

I remember the words you said and the impact they had on me. I still encourage myself with the words you told me on my lowest days. With you, I learnt to pay attention to little details and now, I have a collection of random facts about you that need not be with me again. Sometimes I say those words out loud, and for some reason, it doesn't sound like you again. I am not sure I remember what you sound like and I feel like I would miss you in the crowd or fail to recognise you if you walk past me. I remember the days I spent time looking out for you and being able to identify you whenever you walked into a room.

Loving you changed me.
Loving you made me realize how transient moments can be. It taught me the value of memories. It exposed me to the hopeless romantic I am. And it taught me that holding on to what could have been is the most destructive force in self-annihilation. It made me scared of loving anyone else. And there are times I wonder, how was it like for you to get over us? Do you get stuck as I do in those memories? You might be wondering why I am writing all this, but the truth is I love myself when I am in love, and I want to be in love again. 

XOXO,
Oluwaseyi.


As I announced last week, I released the first episode of my podcast. It is up on Spotify, Anchor and Google Podcast. Please listen,  subscribe and leave a good rating. Thank you. 

As always, you can reach me via mail at theestherian@gmail.com.
With Love,
The Estherian.

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