THE ESTHERIAN BLOG

I will start by stating this, I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the opportunity to add another year to my life and the experiences the past year has brought me. I believe the need to state the level of my gratitude is borne out of the constant murmuring in my head, and the overarching message from others, “Where you are now is where you once prayed to be”. Source: Pinterest On my 22nd birthday, I wrote a post summarizing my experiences throughout my 21st year. I was truly grateful for where I was and looking forward to what was to come. Around October, I wrote something else that was a sharp turn from the positivity of my birthday message. I was disappointed with what I was seeing and my inability to help myself get better. That became the central theme of 22 which I have termed the age of disillusionment . I am not quite sure what I wanted 22 to be like, I didn’t expect it to be this. Disillusionment (noun). a feeling of disappointment resulting from discovering that somethin...

LONGING It is longing. A want to hold on to a love you once knew. Dabira. Photo Credit: cottonbro Source: pexels.com I know I have felt love before, that I have been in love before, and it is so much different from infatuation or lust. I have felt those before too, and that helped me understand that there is a difference.  I have had the all-consuming passionate love that burnt me inside out and I have had the slow embers that got snuffed out. Above all, I have fallen in love with men that had no intention of loving me back. I find myself trying to return to those days and those men, not because I want to go through the pain again, but because I want to hold on to love again. I want the soft burn. I want the sighs and awwns. I want the lightness that comes with it, the vulnerability to someone else and the thoughts of returning home to someone. I long for love because I am convinced I have lost it and it will take a long time to get it back. Photo Credit: Enes Bayraktar Source: pex...

Written: 12 August 2021 Photo Credit: Ian Beckley Source: pexels.com And you became a monument to all my insecurities. The truth is this, we don't know each other. We see each other on the way out of class or towards the end of lectures in this string of never-ending misery or stress. We are alike, I believe, as we both are far removed from our place of comfort and are in the midst of people with a different language, culture and possibly, way of life. Maybe it is just me seeing you and always looking for ways to strike up a conversation because if anyone could understand the way I feel, it is going to be you. We are the wildcard, the unusual and maybe the unknown. But the thing is, we revolved around the periphery of each other's lives, and you have more impact on mine than I believe I have on yours. You became everything I hoped to be, and you got everything I wanted to have and even more. You made my struggles feel so useless because it appears like you had it so easy, and I...

Photo Credit: Tatiana Source: pexels.com It is another weekend, and nothing out of the ordinary is happening to me.  See weekend as I remember, is one of the few times you get to be with your significant other, away from the stress of the weekday, that is, if you are not living together. You get to do a couple's activities together, let’s say see a movie together, cuddle, or travel to a different state. But for some reason, me not having a man being the main one, I haven’t had this type of weekend in a long while. After asking myself these three questions; 1) How long does it take for a girl to move from a broken heart to a new relationship? 2) How much commitment can I give to the new relationship? And 3) How long can I make what I want last? I think I have an idea of what I am looking for, and permit me to walk you through it. If you have read my piece on redefining relationships, you will realise that I mentioned a few things that stood out to me in the relationship anarchy inst...

Photo Credit: Fauxels Source: pexels.com Loving you was such a beautiful thing. You are my best mistake to date, but with mistakes, you learn to live with them because there is no way you can take them back. And there are days I wish I could take it back. I wish I could say I can't remember the last time we talked to each other, but I can. I remember the conversation that ended everything between us. I remember being empty after and finally accepting that this is the last road in loving you. Sometimes my mind wanders to the times we spent together and to other conversations we had. My mind lingers around the laughter and smiles we shared. Slowly, I am letting myself forget all the bad times we had, letting go of the hurt and pain and allowing myself to be. I am ashamed to say that I bask in the remembrance of the good days and the good time we had, and I always whisper a thank you for the happiest year of my life. Loving you was good to me.  It helped me become a child again. It en...

Source: Pinterest Hello, I saw you from across the room and I know we made eye contact, one too many if I can say that. The truth is this, you reminded me of someone I used to know when life was still a bed of roses. Although now, I would say roses are overrated. I don't know if you noticed, but I like to believe I am funny, so you can be assured that I will try to make you laugh. I am on the path to becoming the funniest person in the family, trying my hardest to replace the current one, that's my father. Oh, I am sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I am Oluwaseyi Esther Adelaja, and I am aware of how uncommon that name is around here, and no, I cannot speak Igbo nor am I ashamed of that. I know enough to get by in conversations, and I am tired of being polite in conversations about marrying an Igbo Man. If we consider my track record and the current path I am on, it becomes clear that marriage is one of those things that would elude me for a long time. Oh, sorry, was that...