-

Fear

a midnight rant from a broken soul...


Fear, the one force that holds man still and the feeling so gripping that all you do is think about what would happen once that moment pass away, we tell ourselves if only this moves, if this cup pass over me, when that is achieved we begin to dread it occurring again till we become trapped in a mindless circle.

Since I met you, I have gone through all the stages I think is humanly possible, the initial attraction, the lust, the love and finally the fear. I always seek control of things around me, I am terribly scared of events I can't control and responses that might break me apart still all I care about is you, to be totally yours and for you to be mine but I am constantly reminded that you own things not humans, that you control things not people and things might not be as bad as I pretend it would be but you know what fears does my love, it is a constant force that keeps me buried. 

Maybe my fear has become my comfort, it has kept me away from facing what is right and what is true, so that night when you won't hold me the fears came back, when you mentioned leaving the next morning, its effect became worse and when you stood up to go I fell apart. I believed that if you listen close enough you would have heard me crying but now I have began to realise it is not you, it never was, you have offered all you can give and even if I want more, there isn't much I can do about it. So my fears took flight and have been soaring ever since.

My biggest fear right about now is that you would leave and what if you did, there is nothing I can do about it I don't have a claim to your heart and you are not mine, you belong to those you choose to belong to, and while I have a countdown to when this will end, I promise to keep my fears at bay and just live. that is all I promise, and when I finally become courageous, I would tell you, I would let you know that I never want to let you go, not now not ever, but you are free to leave, I can't control the outcome, I never did.

xoxo,
The Estherian.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Effectiveness Of Fear

-
Image
Some days, I struggle to come up with what to write, which idea is worth exploring or what to talk about. Other days, the idea hits me like a freight train going at maximum speed. And this is one of those ideas. Photo credit: Mikhail Nilov Source: pexels.com  I don't know if you know that I live in the South-Eastern part of Nigeria, or if you are aware of the sit-at-home order every Monday imposed on the region by IPOB. The sit-at-home order has been on since August 2021, and towards the end of the year, it became sort of inconsequential. Although I avoided leaving my immediate environs on Mondays, I sometimes go out to visit friends or run errands. When the new year came around, I truly believed that the sit-at-home was over, and I was not the only one with that train of thought, what we didn't know was that whoever gave that order had put measures in place to ensure we complied and that brings me to my story for today. After talking with a few friends and classmates,  we dec...
Read more

Today, I Turn 21

-
Image
I would like to start by stating that I stole the title from a note that inspired me to put this up. Source: Weheartit.com I am aware that I am a collection of different people, ideas and inspiration, and maybe I am not an original, but it does not take away from the fact that the collection of all that makes me, well me, is a unique and somewhat original pattern and in the vastness of the universe and the depth of my insignificance, I am here, and I am leaving my mark. You see, I have always been afraid of the next day and I always thought there were a few things I needed to have that would make life a lot better; love, a partner, being the best student, and I chased after this blindly not caring what became of me. I believed if I at least had these things, I am going to have a chance. I am happy to announce I don't have any of that as I turn 21, at least not in the way I imagined. I have had quite a detour in life, learning the things I didn't consider important. And if there...
Read more

An adventure called Friendship: What I have learnt

-
Image
The Passion Translation Growing up, I was always indoors and it kinda made me a bit reserved and shy. It didn't help the fact that I am introverted and could not make friends quite easily. A  friend means different thing to different people, so I want to break down all the people I refer to as my friends into categories, permit me, I always fall into the trap of placing people into boxes. The people that I meet and relate to on a surface level due to a common ground or interest. The people I have around or those that see me around and all we share is one or two nice words and we have no common interest or nothing whatsoever. The people who know me and we talk to each other a lot, we share similar interest, ideals and just about anything. The people that know almost everything about me, likes and dislikes, almost the same set of beliefs and we do things together. They are my go-to people for advice and we face life together. They are my real gees. Finally, there are those that we us...
Read more