15: On Character Development

Connections.

Earlier today, I had a Family medicine test. I believed the test was going to be a breeze, and that was reflected in the way I handled the preparation for the test. It wasn't bad and I was satisfied with how the test went. But that's by the way.

The main issue was the way I felt before the test started. For reasons best known to our examiners, we did not enter the hall according to our serial number on the class list, and we were told to sit anywhere for the test. I ended up sitting near someone that used to be my friend. And with the way everything ended between us, I decided to stop acknowledging said person.  

I had a mix of emotions ranging from sadness to anger because I had to keep seeing this person until the seats separating us were filled. I am not sure what brought about this range of emotions since I have been seeing him around for a long while now. My best bet is a conversation that I had a few days prior, where he had come up. I am not quite sure what to do next in regards to this feeling and I don’t want to even allow myself to sit with those feelings because I am afraid of any realization I am going to make.

I am still very touchy about how and why that friendship ended but I don't care about the friend, just the severed connection and the inability to replace said connection. I am well aware that I can never be friends with that person, no matter what, but knowing that has done nothing to fill the void the lack of that friendship left behind. And therein lies my problem.

I have found myself consciously and unconsciously trying to recreate the connection we shared and I have been failing terribly because the conditions that brought about that connection in the first place are proving very difficult to recreate. And not just the condition, I am different from the person I used to be when that friendship started. I am not as trusting as I used to be and it has become harder to make new friends as the day goes by. 

I decided this year to stop putting as much effort as I used to in maintaining friendships and that has been surprisingly a good decision. Deprioritizing already existing friendships has made me consider never prioritizing those friendships again and I am not sure that was what I was looking forward to when I decided to be a bad friend. And it is funny because I am so hung up on losing a particular connection while being unbothered about the possibility of losing a lot more connections. 

Friendships and connections used to be seamless and easy but now I find myself considering a thousand and one ways things could go wrong and how disingenuous people can be that it seems to be impossible to overcome inertia. 

Photo credit: lil artsy
Source: pexels.com

Self-censorship.

In a desperate attempt at self-preservation, I decided to create a system where I try to manage how I respond to being hurt and angry. Now that I consider it, that decision wasn’t the best decision I could have come up with and now I am going to do my best and step away from it. 

The system I created was relatively simple. If something or someone made me upset, I ask myself one simple question, “would this matter in six months?” If the answer is yes, I speak up and demand to be listened to. If not, I find a way to ensure the conditions that lead to the upsetting circumstance never happen again. 

And to be honest this is a pretty good system, except it has one terrible flaw. I can’t gauge what will matter in six months if I am still in contact with someone that has made me upset or remain in upsetting situations. 

I realized last week that I have fallen into a sort of self-censorship because I choose to downplay how upset I am in deeply upsetting situations. Let me explain.

I decided to follow a prompt I saw on Twitter, and it led me to write about three different interactions I had last week with my friends. But after writing, I could not bring myself to share what I had written because of one of the interactions.

I had a house guest, sometime in March, and during that visit, the person did something that hurt me. I made a single attempt to discuss what the person had done and I was shut down. So I told myself, it won’t matter in six months because you are never having this person in your space ever again and there is no need to lose your cool or get angry about it. And I thought I had managed the situation well.

Then one conversation months after this visit, I realized I was still angry, and it still mattered. In the course of that conversation, I was asked what I thought went wrong because this person did not believe anything was wrong. I found myself starting to type what had made me upset and I kept deleting the message. I didn’t have it in me to insist I had been wronged especially to someone who counts me voicing my displeasures as me complaining. I decided to let it go. 

I never put out that essay I wrote, I couldn’t even send it to someone else to read because I didn’t want it going out. It makes sense in my head to have that conversation first before I send out that essay or never send the essay because it won’t matter in another six months, right?

I understand the intent of trying to present a certain way, having nothing that would disrupt the image of ourselves that we have so carefully curated. But I think it is restrictive. It is choosing to find the nicest cages for oneself because of the fear of freedom. I want to be free and I think that freedom isn’t found on the path of acceptability, so if insisting that I have been wrong, or that I am upset is going to make me less acceptable to someone, so be it.  

Final thoughts.

I titled this character development because I took personality tests again on Sunday because a friend suggested I take them again. One of the personality tests I took was the big five personality test, and I noticed I used to score a lot higher on the neuroticism aspect of the test. So I pointed that out and he was like, “Oho, character development”. 

I feel I left this with a lot of questions for myself and I am going to figure out how to answer those questions. But lately, I have needed clarification about a lot of things that I believed I have already figured out. Things are just not as they seem nowadays, and I find myself constantly challenging a lot of things. This is not the ease I asked for at the beginning of the year. 

Also, I have conversations with people I wished I hadn't said a single word to after I have left because I am concerned about how that has changed how they see me. I feel like I am unravelling and it is so uncomfortable.

I am not a big fan of the amount of work it takes to become a better human. And character development is not fun. I have said it here before that to grow is to die, and growth remains a deeply uncomfortable process. 

Until next time.

With Love, 

The Estherian💛💛