In Search of Identity

source: Pinterest,
new maps illustrated by Ed Fairburn.

Identity (N):

• The difference of character that marks off an individual from the rest of the same kind, selfhood.
• A name or persona -the mask or appearance one presents to the world- by which one is known.
• Sense of who one is.

For the longest time, I was comfortable being fluid and quite content in being anyone for anybody; the quiet girl, the storyteller, the mischief, the brilliant student, the rude person next door, the crazy girl, the lover and all the while, it became a little easier to trick my mind to create a false identity and gradually, a mixup occurred and I became unaware of the truth about my identity. It is like all the voices in my head came alive and began to pull me apart and finally I realised I don't know who I am. Yeah, I know it is crazy and extremely sad to lose your identity - a sense of who you are- because it allows for someone else to define that for you, you fade away into the shadows and there is all kind of things that can go wrong.

What exactly do I mean?

There is the feeling of being broken and empty that comes with losing an identity. It is like you are sure that there is something or someone that you just don't know where. It can mess with your mind because there is a feeling of an ever-growing void that can't be filled, and you would do anything to fill this void. From experience, I know this is only temporary because no matter what you do, you would only succeed in tearing yourself open and ripping yourself apart. This is what I call the self-destructive phase.

The realisation that your earlier attempt to fill the emptiness brings hate. Hate for things and people around for not helping you decide who you are, hate for the society for forcing you to pick a side and still creating different scenarios that force you to lose a sense of self and finally (my personal demon) hate for self, for not fighting harder and stronger to keep a firm grip on who you are or who you are supposed to be.

Then there is anxiety, most times, not being able to define and clearly tell me who I am has caused so many fears, the gripping pain in my stomach, the nausea that comes with meeting new people, the panic attacks when thrown into the spotlight, I am like, "I don't know who I am, so do not push me out there and force me to put up a show over and over again.

What caused a search for identity?

I became tired eventually, I could no longer answer the simple question, "who are you?".

Do not get me wrong, I can tell you all about myself, what I do, my religion, my likes and dislikes (depending on the show I am putting on), hobbies and so on. I recall telling someone I love that "you do not know me", and in that moment more than ever was me acknowledging to myself over and over again that I do not know myself, it has become a struggle going through each and every day, there was the robotic feeling of everything being a rinse and repeat procedure, I had no sense of being or belonging and I became utterly and completely lost. So I decided to continue (yeah, not start but continue) my search for who I am.

source: Pinterest.

My chosen tools for the search.

I have been learning and have gotten help from quite a lot of people, although I am not there yet, these tools have been indispensable in my search. 

1. Belief: I have learnt to have something or someone to believe in helps to find purpose. Purpose creates identity and it creates a direction and a standard of what is true and right and for someone like me that cannot clearly define what is right or wrong, it helps. 
2. Persistence: This is the fuel that keeps you going, I have over time become comfortable in the wrong in my life and more than once thrown in the towel and decide that I am going nowhere. But I realize the ability to keep pushing and going forward, to push is just something important in my search for identity.
3. Journaling: Last year, I joined an online community for Christian women, and it encouraged me to keep a Journal. A journal to me allows you know what is true and real, it can be a sense of encouragement when you seem lost, a record of progress. Sometimes I go through past journal entries to see patterns and issues I have dealt with and how well I have fared.
4. Self-therapy: if you can, it is one of the most important tools. it includes being very deliberate about what comes into my mind, talking to people that know me to remind me of me basically, friends and family, learning about myself through books and life experience. You do not know the blessing you have when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to search for you and to have a safety net, a helpline to pull you through.

source: Pinterest

The journey so far.

I still cannot tell who I am, but I have to be able to start eliminating what I am not and who I do not want to be. This search is the greatest journey I have embarked on and hopefully, I would get to the end. This is just a reminder to myself of how far I have come and an encouragement to anyone willing to start the journey.

Xoxo,

The Estherian.

Playlist:

NF if you want love

NF the search

NF I'll keep on ft. Jeremiah Carlson.