Seeking Happiness and Finding Hope

I was going to start this post by discussing last Monday; how sad and broken I felt, how things seemed bleak and so out of control, how much the uncertainty of tomorrow was choking me but I am going to start by writing a bit about me.

            I was never an optimist and I wouldn't consider myself a realist also. I had anxiety over every issue and always believed that things were bound to go wrong at one point in time. You should know that I had mastered the art of dealing with disappointment. I soon began to realize that I was never really happy even when things seem to be going right. I always looked for a way to cut it off and I became sad by default. I have a friend that once described me as emo. Don't get me wrong though, I kinda made people happy and I moved with happy people but I was just putting up appearances, playing a role and perfectly I must say.

        In an attempt to understand what happiness meant and why I was never fully happy, I started searching, reading articles that talked about self, temperament, mental health, how to be happy, and so on. At a point, I lived my life looking for things that caused a thrill, that adrenaline rush, or anything that can increase my level of dopamine. I learnt quite a few things from this search like how happiness came from the inside, to surround yourself with happy people, get a hobby, volunteer, make others happy, smile, have a purpose because happiness is for animals and purpose is for humans. Yeah, the last line actually exists, I didn't make it up and did it not negate my whole search. 

The past months have been a retreat for me, it has allowed me to relax and most of all allowed me time to heal. The most amazing about the past months (or year) is that I stumbled on hope. I am a Christian and while I had the knowledge and could see all these things growing up, I am just beginning to understand what hope means.

    Hope to me then was always a dangerous thing because I never understood why someone would give herself to an uncertain fate. (Like hope was in the pandora box with all the evils of the world by somebody's account, right?) So I never let myself hope for things. If it is not happening right now, then it is too good to be true and that was all to me.

Hope to me now is knowing that something good, the expectation that something better, the anticipation and excitement for great things in the future irrespective of how everything appears right now. And it is all because I have a living hope - Jesus - and y'all, Jesus is the biggest flex. 

Why hope you might be wondering?  I have hope because of the promises I have received from God.

He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream and exceed your wildest imagination.

Ephesians 3:20 (The passion Translation)

What about when things go wrong and I become sad or the anxiety returns, I comfort myself with another promise to remind myself that it is just another phase and another season.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)

And the times I remember all the wrong I have done and when I listen to the world more than I listen to God, I remember this.

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

Lamentations 3:22 ( The Message)

The hope I have begun to build my faith.  It made me understand that I have to take each step by faith, even when things are blurry, even when I might have doubts and it also explained that I still have something to do and that is to trust.

Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for. it is all evidence required to prove what is still unseen.

Hebrews 11:1 (The Passion Translation)

I must say that trust is a very scary thing for me, I don't like trusting anybody, believing and holding people just holding them at the words they have spoken. I had to learn to trust people. The thing about trusting God is that it is easy to do when I can feel him when His hands are near but when it is on the flip side and things become tougher and disappointment sets in and life feels like He isn't there. I have an anchor and that is the reassurance I need to keep hoping and to still trust God.

So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God's perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfil his designed purpose. 

Romans 8:28 (The Passion Translation)

Now I am pleased to announce that on most days I am happy and when I can't will myself to be happy, I have hope and I am convinced I would smile, if not today then tomorrow and it keeps me going. I am sharing this with you in hopes that I can encourage someone.

Special thanks to you my readers for subscribing, your comments and for sharing. You have made me truly happy.

Xoxo,

The Estherian