A Thanksgiving Special: 2020 In Retrospect

     It probably sounds cliché if I say I don’t know how to start this piece considering it is the one I was waiting to write. I have this tradition of writing to the year by November and writing to the next year December. However, 2020 was very much unexpected, I couldn’t have been prepared in any way for it. But then again, none of us did. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday in the year- too bad we don’t celebrate it in Nigeria- because of its essence. The coming together of families and friends, having an atmosphere of gratitude for how the year has gone by, talking about the things you are thankful for and finally food. I decided to combine both things in this post and share.

Source: Pinterest

I am going to start with what I wrote this year and titled “Project 2020”. I was ready to break the mould and step out of my comfort zone. I had everything sorted out; resuming clinical class, settling into a new apartment alone which was a sure comfort from the lousy roommate situation, surrounded by amazing friends and a glimmer of the perfect relationship. December 2019 is one of the best I have had even if I had to spend it away from my family, alone in Enugu, it was somewhat perfect. I got a haircut 31st December 2019 in lines with my plans and I kept all the comments from everyone in my praise file. On the new year, I spent it with Blessing -my friend turned sister- making rice and chicken sauce celebrating a year that I was always looking forward to.

If you are a regular at my blog, you most probably know how my year turned out. The perfect relationship crashed, I had an identity crisis, the Covid-19 Pandemic made me return home and I stayed indoors for 203 days before leaving my self-isolation. One thing is sure though, 2020 is the year I have always been waiting for, and I am grateful for the way it turned out for me. I told someone that God wanted me to stop and heal because if this year had not turned out the way it did, I am scared to even imagine what would have become of me. This year, I started my blog, reconciled with my mum, spent time with my family - albeit a long one-, found my identity, learned to forgive, I am still alive and most importantly got an answer to a long time prayer of mine. 

You should know that somewhere along the line of growing up, I felt inferior up to a point that I hated myself. And in hating myself, I couldn’t accept the love freely given to me or love someone without a condition attached to it. I sought validation from people and I would do anything to make anyone love me in hopes that they convinced me to love myself. Though I fell in love with someone in 2019 but with no love for me -just a sprinkle of toxic positivity around- you would understand the devastation of hearing or in my case reading, “I think I am leading you on.” 

I have been praying since my 18th birthday to God to help me to love myself - sounds ridiculous right- I am happy to announce that God answered my prayer. I remember having a panic attack in class one day, it was so terrible that I couldn’t breathe. I claimed it was asthma but looking back now I am sure it wasn’t. At that moment of struggling to breathe, I was made to realize how loved I am by God, my friends and not only how loved I am but how it is not because of anything I have done. He indeed makes all things beautiful in his own time.

Source: Pinterest

In the spirit of thanksgiving, around my virtual table, I would go first and say what I am grateful for. I am grateful for my teachers both remote and direct teachers. I have learnt a lot this year because of them, from starting online classes for the first time, learning how to be a better writer, improving my designs, learning to sew from YouTube and having a better understanding of the God and the bible because of someone going the extra mile for a visual learner like me. Shout out to Michael Todd (Head Pastor at Transformation Church) and Charlena (Founder of Grit and Virtue).  

 

I am grateful for my friends, neighbours and colleagues. I am grateful for all the beautiful people in my life-a physical representation of God’s love- in instances I was either scared or felt under-equipped to do the things I wanted to do. The words of encouragement, motivation and all the beautiful memories I have and cherish is just amazing. And my readers also, you have been fantastic.

Shout out to these people though, they are beyond amazing.

Ebem Somto, Elizabeth and Iyanu, for showing me that distance is never a barrier to keeping in contact and putting a smile on the faces of those you love.

Blessing, the older sister I never had, for allowing me to try new things and take silly risks and being there whenever things go wrong.

Oti, for every soul-mending hug, the daily recommended amount of drama, believing in a dream- a brand in my head- and daring me to go on ahead and make it happen.

Zita, for her kind words, feisty soul and the best partner in crime. I am grateful that I have someone to take the next step with no matter how ridiculous the plan is.

Arnold, for helping me understand that even when I count myself unworthy of all the good things I have received, someone already deemed me worthy and all I need do is start believing in myself maybe a bit more.

Valentine, for showing me how imperfect human love is, how loving someone is a gift and the length we would go for those we truly love.

I am grateful for my family, for every moment shared with them and knowing they always got my back.

 I have learnt to appreciate having the freedom to decide when and where I want to go and how long I can choose to stay indoors without getting bored out of my mind. I have learnt to appreciate the gift of people and community, the choices they make and the things they have to give up to be there for you when you need them. Finally, I have learnt to appreciate the time I have with people because we never know when it will end. In retrospect, I am grateful to God for this year. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted but it changed me beyond my expectation and set me on a path of becoming. I am grateful for not giving up on this year.

So what about you?

What are you grateful for?

Do have a beautiful week.

The Estherian