On Jealousy And Its Appropriateness

    On Wednesday, Zita asked a question on her WhatsApp status about jealousy in a relationship and what its significance was. I sent her my thought on the subject, and she relayed what she learnt from the question she asked and also suggested that it is a good idea to put up a post about jealousy. So, Zita, this one's for you. Taking a slightly different approach, I would share a bit of what I know about jealousy, what I have learnt and how appropriate jealousy is, that is if it is appropriate at all. 

Zita's Status Update
Source: WhatsApp

Jealousy is the state or feeling of being jealous- showing envy of someone or their achievement and advantages. But this definition seems a bit insufficient because not only does it not fully explain jealousy, it brings up a word that is often used in place of jealousy, envy. A simpler definition by Gustavo Razzetti, Creator of the Culture Design Canvas is; “Envy is a reaction to lacking something, jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing someone or something.” One thing I have learnt about emotions is that we can’t file it as bad or good, but the way we handle ourselves when we experience these emotions gives a meaning to them. It is quite normal as a human to feel jealous, but the mastery of our emotion becomes important in placing how such emotion is seen. Jealousy is often portrayed as a negative emotion alongside envy. But the question is, why?

 Jealousy is an anticipatory emotion. It seeks to prevent loss.

Ralph Hupka.

    How do you feel when you find your partner becomes closer to someone else or when your close friends make new friends or when something or someone else gets more attention from people you already claimed as yours?  The emotion you felt is known as jealousy. Jealousy is a natural human instinct that allows us to pay attention to the fact that something or someone can take away the thing that we hold dear to us. It is the emotion that helps us identify and cope with a perceived threat. 

Source: Pinterest

Zita made a point that sometimes feeling jealous is a sign that you care for whatever you have going on and I agree with that. The common precursor to jealousy is fear. Fear; that you are replaceable, that the relationship holds more significance to you than your partner, that someone else can take away all that you have and so on. But again we are humans, and we are allowed to have fear but not dwell in them. Another culprit is insecurity; when we are not comfortable or confident in ourselves or certain situations, we struggle with believing that the other person is, so we get jealous at the slight possibility that something else is going to come take it away from us. 

We have to be careful to only feel those emotions and not become them. Jealousy serves as a signal to what is going on, allowing us to either work on ourselves to become better or work on the relationship to make it better or to walk away altogether. If we don’t handle the emotion well and then become it- become jealous-, then there is a chance it becomes toxic. We become suspicious of our partners, seeds of doubt are sown in our relationship, mistrust grows, and we begin to look out for betrayal or become too possessive of those we claim as ours. This is the full-blown picture of jealousy we see and why it is portrayed as a negative emotion.

New Living Translation (NLT)

While I was trying to answer Zita’s question, I remembered a bible passage that referred to God as jealous. It said for whose name is Jealous, and I was like; “Wait, God is so good and nothing about Him is evil, why would his name be Jealous and at the same time call Himself Love and all that?” But my understanding is this, God is perfect and everything humanity needs can only be found in him. He is jealous because he cares so much about us and doesn’t want us to go to anything else that will separate us from him. Simply put, God is jealous because of us. (This is my imperfect understanding of God being jealous so if you understand it better, let me know.)

Humans, on the other hand, get jealous not because they are perfect and everything their partner wants can be found in them but because they are rather selfish. We don’t want them to move away from us, we are scared there is something better and our partners would one day realize that and walk away, we don’t want to be left alone, so we put ourselves first and our partners second. When the motive is wrong, the result is going to be wrong. Any emotion built from selfishness will end up being toxic and that is why becoming jealous is inappropriate.

So answering Zita’s question, it depends on the motive. If we choose to become jealous, it would become toxic and pretty much affect us and the relationship we have. When we do feel jealous, we are presented with the opportunity to look inwards and be self-aware, look outward and find a way to make the relationship better, but we should in no circumstance allow ourselves to become jealous to a point it becomes toxic.

This is my penultimate post for the year and I have decided to do something to thank all of you for checking in on my blog every week. I would love to buy movie tickets for three people just to say thank you.  The first three people to send a mail telling me what their favourite post is and why it is their favourite wins the giveaway. It has to be a mail though.

Winners will be announced next week.

Do have a beautiful week.

The Estherian