16: The Age of Disillusionment

I will start by stating this, I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to add another year to my life and the experiences the past year has brought me. I believe the need to state the level of my gratitude is borne out of the constant murmuring in my head, and the overarching message from others, “Where you are now is where you once prayed to be”.

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On my 22nd birthday, I wrote a post summarizing my experiences throughout my 21st year. I was truly grateful for where I was and looking forward to what was to come. Around October, I wrote something else that was a sharp turn from the positivity of my birthday message. I was disappointed with what I was seeing and my inability to help myself get better. That became the central theme of 22 which I have termed the age of disillusionment.

I am not quite sure what I wanted 22 to be like, I didn’t expect it to be this.

Disillusionment (noun).

a feeling of disappointment resulting from discovering that something is not as good as one believed it to be.

I am not trying to absolve myself of the responsibility for how my life turned out, I tried my very best to ensure things changed for the better. I took charge of the way I related with people, albeit not the best way. I learnt how to better deal with the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I had conversations with a lot more people than I usually do, even if most of them ended with the crippling feeling that I said way too much. I tried to put myself in uncomfortable situations, pushed my limit a little bit and found more things to be grateful for. Instead, I had more questions than answers which were increasingly frustrating as the days rolled on. At some point, I contemplated running away from myself.

Things used to make a lot more sense than it does now, but I am yet to find out what changed. Or maybe I know exactly what changed but I have a little bit of trouble adjusting to it. The disappointment that came with 22 didn’t happen all at once. It came in stages, in eerily normal ways. It started with food not tasting as well as it used to, finishing the best tea I have ever had and not being able to replace it, my clothes not sitting right on me and finally the constant feeling of being slightly out of place. 

The continual feeling of being out of place birthed something else and I dealt with it until I told myself I couldn’t any longer. Let it wash over me until I become washed away to the shore, and maybe at that moment, I would figure out what all this was for. I wanted more out of life and I just can’t seem to be able to reach what I want, out of fear that I might ruin it, or out of the need to not appear desperate. I am not sure how thin the line between desperation and ambition is, and I am not too eager to find out.

At the beginning of the year, I did something I considered courageous. It doesn’t matter that I renegade on that decision two months in. The upside of my misstep was the fact I had to confront one thing I was lying to myself about, I was miserable and it was clear to see. I was convinced I could wait out the misery. But when I finally decided to be true to the decision I made, I was disappointed the misery persisted. 

I remember the night I went to get suya only to be accosted by nostalgia. Memories of previous late-night suya runs flooded my mind - the people I strolled with, the discussions we had, and the pretence I tried to maintain. When I returned home with my suya, I realized that I remained as unhappy as I was when I was with those individuals.

Speaking of my feelings, I had to learn restraint. It is one thing to get the attention of someone you have over time fallen for, it is another thing to know that what comes after six is more than seven. Feelings and emotions have a way of putting you in the biggest mess if you let it, and the same with hormones during ovulation week. At some point I was scared of the thoughts that crossed my mind, scared to desire something deeply. I kept asking if I was ready to handle the things I wanted, if I had put in enough work to get better, and if I was still the problem. 

I was not as confident as I thought I would be by 22. And as Naza would always say, I need to stop seeing how things would most likely end before I venture into new experiences. The truth is that I never see those things ending in a good way, and I suck at living in the present. You might think that constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop means being prepared when it finally drops, right? Wrong. 

I have also not learnt how to take chances. I remember a conversation I had with Iyanu on wanting something so bad and not being sure how to go about it because it requires someone else’s consent and I was too shy to ask. He gave the best pep talk I have ever had from someone and when it came down to it, I didn’t do anything. I was too afraid to even try. 

It’s my 23rd birthday anyway, and the future isn’t as bleak as it used to be. 

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If everything goes right, and I pass my exams by September, that would be the end of my stay in Enugu State. I am not sure where I want to go next, but I hope to make the best out of the situation. It is not just moving away that I am excited about, it is starting over in a new place. I always talk about wanting to be in a place where no one knows my name. By starting over, there is the chance to build something new for me that isn’t going to be tainted by the memories and the presence of my former failures. 

For 23, I want to find somewhere to belong. 

A space where I can completely fall apart without shame. I am also looking forward to creating such spaces for others. Something I heard a lot in the past year that hurt me was finding out the people around me were going through tough times and they refused to share it with me. I understand they had their reasons not to but I don’t want to be in that kind of situation again. 

In the next phase of my life, I want to focus on building a community and fostering companionship. I want to be surrounded by people who matter to me, and if they are far away, I want to be able to afford as many trips as I can so that I can see and connect with them. I want to be there for the people who have been there for me. I want to create opportunities to connect with the people in my life. I am looking forward to as many brunches, sleepovers and game nights as I desire. 

I am looking forward to unlocking my rich aunty era. 

I want to take good care of my inner child. I want to care for myself a lot more. I want at least a vacation before I turn 24. I want to decorate my new space and have my dream apartment. I want to take at least a writing class and hone my writing skills. I want to laugh a lot more. I want new experiences that would make my heart full, and I want to try out the things that I'm anxious about. 

Above all, I want to learn to trust a little bit more and immerse myself in my people and my God.

Happy birthday Oluwaseyi E. Adelaja.