When It Was Intended To Hurt You

 How do you begin to deal with an experience that was at your expense, and caused you pain?

You are doing alright, unbothered about what happened or believe you have let go of the pain until it hits you like a truck on the highway, and you are stuck in that moment, waiting for it to pass because you can't deal with it yet, and it won't bother you if you survive it now. The thing you forget at that moment is that it comes around often, and you are going to feel a lot worse later. So, you have to decide, do you fix it now or do you wait? When you quiet all the noise and distraction, and you remove yourself from all the avenues of escape you have created for yourself, you are left with all you have; the pain, the tears, the regrets and the things done to you that were not in any way your fault. What do you do when you face that memory? How do you deal with something whose singular purpose was to hurt you?

 I am someone that talks about my experiences when I am trying to heal or work on myself. Sometimes, when I talk about those things, I might try to put myself as the victim, minimizing the parts I played in them, or I seek external validation and sympathy, but I do all this to resolve whatever happens. The thing is this, there are stories I can never share (or I am yet to share). Sometimes it is because I have repressed such a memory, and it had to take me stumbling on my diary years later to remember something like that happened. Other times I can't talk about such stories because I don't know how to tell them, the words are not quite right, the effect of what happened might cause a lot of trouble if people ever know, and I think to myself, at what cost is telling this story. So I am left in a dilemma to tell what happened or to let it go. Another thing I have observed about myself is this, when I don't deal with something, I get paranoid and tired hearing or knowing just about anything that can trigger memories I am seeking to move away from, so I try to avoid or escape situations like that. I must confess I have the worst coping experience. 

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Flagrant Fouls can mess with your mind so much. It changes a lot, the way you see the world and yourself, it distorts your perception and maybe taking a step back to ask why you have a certain habit and behavioural pattern or why you are self-loathing or self-sabotaging when dealing with stressful situations and pressure or why “Nightmare” asked me sometimes last year if something is really wrong with me or the thought that something is wrong with me is comforting? 

The truth is this, there are a lot of things I don't know, a lot more I don't understand. But in trying to figure out why I am the way I am now(a collection of stories, faces and experiences), there are things I am remembering, and they are getting impossible to overlook or repress. I don't have any answers yet, neither have I figured it out. The question is; how do you deal and heal from a flagrant foul, how do you walk away from those things that harmed you, things that successfully scarred you? How do you reconcile the things you can't quite talk about?

When would you stop blaming yourself for the way situations beyond your control turned out?

With Love, 

The Estherian