Balance: Independent Vs Dependent.

Let me start with this, I don't like the general message of being strong and independent. Not that strong and independent is bad, but it is not something I desire. I want to make decisions that matter to me without waiting for anyone's permission, I love to do me, but I don't think I am comfortable with the word independent and its usage in this context. 

Source: Pinterest

Independent means “free from outside control; not subject to another's authority, not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence”. The thing is this, when I hear the phrase “strong and independent woman”, it creates an image of someone removed from the world and the surrounding people, someone that has to get everything done herself because she is too independent to rely on others. She has to carve out her path and be in total opposition to everyone. So I ask myself, does being strong and independent remove the need for a community, a support system, a family (either by choice or biological) or a partner? Does being independent means to be aloof or cold towards the rest of the world because in all my attempt of being on my own, I want to have at least one person in my corner and maybe the most important question is how bad is being a dependent? 

All my life, I have been a dependent. My parents have been sponsoring everything I do, made a lot of decisions for me up till secondary school and finally allowed me to make my own decisions with them offering me support and advice and doing damage control whenever those decisions go wrong. There is this unspoken rule that when I am in their house, whatever they want is the priority (it can be up for debate sometimes), other times what I want is the priority. There have been times I have called my friends and told them I wish I had a place I was paying for myself and don't have to put up with whatever made me angry that day. It made me realise the amount of freedom you have determines if being a dependent is a haven or literal hell. 

Being a dependent is not cool if whoever you depend on makes all the decisions and being independent will not serve if you have to do everything by yourself, with your own strength to the point of overexertion. The times I had to make independent decisions are not always fun but I make them anyway. It can be a relatively straightforward decision, like deciding not to eat at night because I will not cook or going to the banking hall because of an update for my banking app. It can be running after someone to get a job delivered, but it makes me ask if I want to do everything on my own. 

So the thing is balance, I guess. How much can you go do things your way and how much can you have other people help you with? Which decision is relatively easy for you to make, which one do you need to get expert advice on. You can't do life on your own, you would need to depend or lean on people in time and other times, you would have people leaning on you. I realize I would be to a certain degree dependent on someone or something in my life. Depend on my job to pay the bills, depend on a support system to navigate some things, depend fully on God because he is in charge of my life and not me.

Yes, the “strong and independent” narrative is easy to sell, but we are humans, and we need both partners and allies in life, we all need somebody. And maybe the problem with dependency is terrible PR. 
Find what works for you, learn to lean on others, and learn to support them too.

Happy New month!

If you are a regular here, you might have noticed I didn’t put out much content last month. With all the preparation for my examination and the fact that the examination is in March, I will be going on a break to return whenever my exams are over. My blog’s anniversary is also coming up in April. I am so excited about that.  

Even if I am away, you can still reach me by email at theestherian@gmail.com.

With Love,
The Estherian