TCS: Let's Talk About Sex

 Sex, a means of reproduction or an avenue for pleasure? This, I believe, is one of the questions that plague the mind of a lot of people because I don’t understand why nobody wants to talk about it especially to teenagers or why it is talked about in hushed tones. Growing up here in Nigeria and a Christian family, the only thing I learnt about sex is, don’t have sex before you marry. But we are humans and are naturally curious about things and in this century, the next place to turn to is the internet. The danger with that is without a filter, there is a chance to pick up on all the wrong stuff.  What is the implication of not talking about sex in the modern age, and what are the issues surrounding the nasty S-word? Today on TCS, I am joined by an amazing friend, and we would be talking about sex.

Note: This conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Welcome to TCS and welcome to my blog. It is amazing to have you here. So to kick this off, I would like you to introduce yourself to the readers.

Nice to be here too. I am Zita, Seyi’s sister from another tribe.

You forgot to mention the Major General in my army and special adviser on violence matters.

That too. Managing director of acid affairs in my friends’ related matter.

As I have mentioned, Zita is one of my close friends, and we are taking college of medicine and life down together, one day at a time. I must say, Zee, they are going to think we are crazy.

I swear, but they should know you’re crazy.

When did the word sex become more than just biological sexes to you?

In the primary school like from primary five, JS1 range. But when sex started becoming something I was made more aware of was in Junior secondary (JS3). And this was when I started reading the Harlequin books. It was an eye-opener, but it became clearer in senior secondary when we started hearing stories of our seniors’ escapades, especially involving Mofe’s chair. It was around that time I started getting involved with the no sex conversation.

I think my introduction to sex was from my older brother’s book. I believe I was seven and the book title is “A Child With A Child” which was part of his reading text for his year. The book was not explicit, but it gave me the understanding that sex brought about pregnancy. Then in secondary school, there was a lot of Harlequin books creating vivid mental pictures of sex. Then let me not forget the rabbit hole that is Wattpad. I think anyone that knows Wattpad’s romance section can relate to what I am saying. 

Anything about porn, I think it is quite common these days?

No. At some point in my SS2, you know we were silly. I can’t remember how it happened, but I know that there was a day student who brought her phone to school and people gathered around her. I was curious enough to know what was going on. I see I saw. And that was when I saw porn, but I don’t think I have gone to look at porn on my own since then.

The first and only time for me was when I saw porn on my older brother’s phone. I was too disgusted to look at it till the end.

Did you reeducate yourself about sex though? I mean we both know that Harlequin has a lot of fantasy attached to it. I mean I did at some point, I started listening to talks, following sexual health educators and listening to what they have to say, read books because I was really curious about things and no one around was willing to talk about sex. Maybe the only thing they wanted to say was don’t have sex, and I was like but, I want to know why. No one was telling you what to do if it came your way by force. 

Of course. I had to re-educate myself. We are adults and in university, I did a lot of growing up and some thinking had to go. Before I used to be very much against sex, it is not for pleasure, it is for giving birth kinda mindset. But coming into the larger world…

You became a child of the world! 

No, no, no I am still a child of God but my mindset changed. I began to learn that there is more to sex than just the act. There is emotional connection and intimacy. I have learnt that sex can be a lot more and that is how my re-education started.

After we have shared our happy story of learning about sex, we would like to leave a disclaimer here to let inform you the reader that we are not sex health educators or professionals of any sort here. We are just sharing our opinions on sex and every other issue we are going to raise here. We don’t know everything and if you have questions, please try to reach out to those that are qualified to help. 

One of the things I dislike, especially about Sex Ed talks here, is asking if someone is a virgin. And because of the society we find ourselves in, that question doesn’t guarantee truthful answers because most times, the non-virgins are going to be treated with contempt. If you don’t allow people to be vocal about what they are doing when they get into sticky situations, how do they get help? I don’t like the way people tend to speak about sex in hushed tones and make it seem like it is taboo.

You know the funny thing is some parents don’t bring up the topic at all and people are bound to make grave mistakes because for teenagers most especially, you are prone to learn the wrong lessons when you are naive.

Source: Twitter(@thesanasi)

So why is there a fuss about virginity?

I think we are still holding on tight to it because of the inherited culture. The education that a girl must bleed on her first period and that a girl must remain pure till her wedding day is something that we are still dwelling on. Also in our society, the hymen is designated proof of virginity.

But we are both aware that the hymen doesn’t do that. There are recent findings and research that show that a) the hymen might not always be present, b) the hymen is not supposed to be imperforate because how do you expect blood to leave the vagina during a woman’s period and c) the hymen doesn’t break. There is no proof of virginity.  I read, and I agree with this person that you don’t lose your virginity, instead, you have debut sex.

Source: Twitter(@thesanasi)

If you say that virgins are people that have not had sex and by society definition, “penetrative sex”, does that mean that those that do every other thing except penetrative sex are virgins.

Well, there is something called technical virginity, and it is because of the loophole in the whole hymen parade. So any woman that has experienced other forms of sex except penetrative sex can still refer to themselves as virgins. But I think virginity, whatever it is, is becoming obsolete. And I am not saying there are no virgins, I am just saying the hype around virginity is fading away.

There was this topic on Twitter weeks ago that our generation has more people having sex outside marriage. Was it not the older generation we watched in Nollywood dancing around trees in the bush, what were they doing there? Just because there was no "social media" to post those things.

I don’t agree that our generation is having more sex, but now, we have more people talking about it. More people are coming up to educate others and I think it is a good thing.

Why?

Because now you can learn the right things, get help if you need it and there is more awareness to demystifying sex. 

So does that translate into our children not experiencing people shying away from having talks about sex or sexual topics?

No. Now more people talking about sex doesn’t still translate into teaching the younger people about sex. There is still an abundance of just causal and less satisfying sex, misconceptions and gross misinformation that people just pass on.

Another thing worthy of note is this, pregnancy and STIs are not punishment for having sex. Virginity is not equal to morality. Just because you are having sex doesn’t make you are a bad person, regardless of what the culture or religion has to say.

And just because your hymen is “intact” doesn’t mean you are a good person. We have a lot of self-righteous individuals who are quick to tear down other people based on things like dressing, sexuality and having sex but their behaviour is beyond awful. So it doesn’t matter at all. Be a good person instead.

Source: Twitter(@thesanasi)

What is your take on Sex Education in Nigeria, do you think it is properly done?

Nah. This thing they tell people like you are now a woman oh, don’t let a man touch you after your first period is wrong. And I keep wondering who put those thoughts in their heads. If I am to rate Sex Ed in Nigeria on a scale of 1 to 10, I think it is dead. 

It is important to know that sexual education is not teaching about having sex or preventing pregnancy. It entails a lot more like body safety, self-esteem, puberty, contraceptives, and so much more. One of the mistakes people make is that instead of educating, they try to instil fear…

And give the wrong education about it.

Yeah. We know fear doesn’t achieve anything positive. My take is this, from the number of Sex Ed class I have been in is just meh. Like you don’t even teach about using the right names for the human body, what is wrong with saying vagina or clitoris. Then they shame people for talking about having sex already and since people don’t have the right words to use or can’t tell their experience, how do they let you know they have been assaulted or something has been done to them without their consent.  If you don’t teach people about these things, their ignorance can always be used against them. I think educators need to step up because they are dropping the ball so bad in this area.

Instead of educating people about sex, they input the wrong information or deviate into telling people not to have sex. Like there is no tangible reason why, so they come up with nonsense and teach that instead.

I keep saying this, if you tell me not to do something, be kind enough to let me know why except I fully trust you and your judgement. I am very curious and don’t like to take no without the reason why. 

You can gradually educate a child using age-appropriate words and explain that they are still young and every other thing. If the person is old enough, let them know there are things they can do to protect themselves and keep safe.

Don’t forget that if you don’t teach someone, they are going to learn eventually and are most likely going to pick up the wrong things.

And it is going to fall back on you. If you had simply told them the things they should know from the start. Wait, at what age do you think Sex Ed should start?

As early as possible. Start with teaching young children about their sex organs, tell them no one is allowed to touch them without their consent and ensure you teach them right. You can then begin to add more to this as they are growing older.

Another thing we need to do away with is shaming people for having sex. It is useless, outdated and does no one any good. I think we are going a bit ahead of ourselves. People feel shame for buying sanitary pads. I remember going to a store with a friend, and she would not go pay for the sanitary pad she picked because some guys were around the counter. I had to collect it from her, walk right to the counter to pay for it. It doesn’t make any sense. Bleeding on your period is normal, and a sanitary pad is very essential, like why should you feel ashamed of it. 

I don't know.

Source: Whatsapp

One beautiful video I have seen that explains consent well is “Tea and Consent”. And when you are talking about sex and all that it entails, consent is very important, it is the thing that let you know if this is sex or a sexual offence, for lack of a better way for me to put it. 

Now that you have mentioned this, you know in our society, if you hear that someone was raped, the common questions that follow are what was she/he doing there, what was she wearing, and so on. What is your take on this?

The most important thing to note is this, we live in an imperfect world and every action or inaction of ours has a consequence. As much as you have the freedom to do some things, you should always be aware of the possible things that can impede your freedom. Knowing that there is a possibility of being robbed along the street by 10 pm would deter you from being on that street at that time, so you try as much as possible to keep yourself out of harm’s way. That being said, rape is never the fault of the victim. And we need to move forward as a society from not only telling people what to do to keep safe, to ensuring the safety of people.

And when we learn to stop blaming the victims. I believe that when we learn to start putting effort into getting justice for rape victims, people would be more open to tell their stories.

Source: Twitter(@orji_ck)

So about sex, my final opinion is this, as much as we are brought up with the different meaning of sex, how it is sacred and all, you are an adult now, try to re-educate yourself about it. If your initial education is true, hold on to it. If you are having sex or about to start having sex, protect yourself, have boundaries, use contraceptives. And if you believe you are going to regret it, don’t do it. Try not to give sex to please whoever you are with. 

I think there needs to be a shift in that thinking that someone gives sex and the other person receives it. You don’t give sex, you are both active parties in the act.

And I think we are going to end it here. This conversation has been beyond amazing, and I wish this was a podcast instead because the readers are missing behind the scene and the stories that didn’t make it to the blog. Thank you, Zita, it is a pleasure having you here.

Thank you for having me. Shout out to Chinaelo, hope we did justice to this topic?

So here is it.

Thank you for joining the second episode of TCS. 

What do you think? What has your experience with sex or sex education been like?

Do you have any story to share or any question to ask? Please let me know in the comment or send a mail to theestherian@gmail.com.

Until next time,

The Estherian.