May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favour

Source: Pinterest (notsosmalltalk.com)

It is only right that I give an apology for being MIA for most of May. It was because of issues beyond my control and a bit of oversight on my part. But the thing is, I have everything figured out at least to a certain extent. I think we need to talk about the cost of living in Nigeria and how everything seems to be so expensive, but I am not sure whether I have any reasonable thing to contribute and would only rant about how unfair all this seems and to what end is all this. But that's a story for another day.

How was the month of May? 

May the odds be ever in your Favour doesn't seem quite right for a check-in title (at least to me) but I choose it maybe out of nostalgia for old dystopian movies like The Hunger Games, or how May felt like all the odds were against me. I mean all the odds. One word to describe this month is overwhelming, and I am like, let's never try that again. I pulled through alright, in one piece with a lot of breaks to cry, try to get my sh*t together and just move on ahead like, "oh well, unto the next one".

Apart from overwhelming, there was this feeling of loneliness that accompanied May. This subtle reminder that I am alone, and I have just myself in this world. I am aware of how untrue this is, and I struggled with resisting that feeling. The funny thing is that it comes around when I am alone (for context, I live alone). Imagine what it feels like to assure yourself every day that you are not alone. And most of the time, I can't figure out or explain why I feel down or exhausted.

Source: Pinterest

Even though I feel this month was “all the time low”, there was a bit of high I can't ignore. I set up my sewing machine (a major win), went for a Twitter hangout with friends, Enugu Twitter Amala hangout, where I had Amala for the first time this year (shout out to Blessing for being my sponsor). I met someone new who was comforting when I needed that comfort (She saved me from crying all the way home). Clinical postings have been everything but fun and I understand this is what I signed up for when I applied to medical school. Maybe I am being harsh to May, I have been like this with all these emotions since April. I lost count of the "I am tired" I said through April, and May was a spillover or something a lot worse. I am uncertain.

Although May happened, something that got me through every day and the overwhelming state was from a mail I received earlier in March. And my anchor in that mail was "don't gut the fish". The reference for this line was from the story of Jonah and how he spent three days and nights in the belly of a fish and how instead of trying to escape by killing the fish from inside out, he prayed and worshipped instead. We know how this ordeal ended. The fish left him on the shores of Nineveh. The reasoning there is this: allow yourself to feel what is happening, but don't despair, don't give up and don't escape to a false comfort or fix it your way. It might look bad now, and you might not understand what is going on or why even. So pray, worship and dare to praise God, but whatever you do, don't gut the fish.

Something I am realizing about myself is no matter how much I talk about not trying to do everything myself, I see that my self-reliance is not that much of a good thing. I don't want anyone to help me unless I ask for help myself, and I would rather not ask for help. So something to work on I guess.

I hope things turn out a lot better than it was in May. I deserve it. 

In June, may the odds be ever in your favour.
With Love,
The Estherian.