Notes To Self

Hello, 
How have you been these past days?
When was the last time you checked in with yourself, just to see how far you have come? 
I have been toying with the idea for a while now and I decided to share some of the things I think are worth noting. 

Source: Pinterest

To Thine Own Self, Be True.
Sometime last week, (I am not sure though) I heard this line from a podcast, to thine own self be true. I am going to assume you have heard this question, and you are aware of how difficult it is to answer. The question is this, who are you? I believe there are systems put in place to answer the question, things like you are not what you do, you are not your mental state and maybe don't use adjectives to describe what you are. I am going to assume you have figured it out. The endpoint to this is to leave a good impression, be sort of interesting or just don't care. I mean, shout out to the ones who are pros in the talking stage. The thing is this, though, anytime we are asked to talk about ourselves, we consciously or subconsciously put our best foot forward.

Left to myself and my devices, I have to ask myself that question. Who am I? Now, I don't have to put my best foot forward, and I don't have anyone to impress, but I found this question even harder to answer because I lie to myself a lot. Sorry, I mean I don't like to tell myself the truth. I mean, I don’t want to admit that I am scared, lazy or anything less than exceptional. But after listening to that podcast, I had to face myself, resolving to be honest to myself, owning up to the lies I tell myself and the facts I refuse to accept. And yes, I am going to give myself a bit of grace because I deserve it, but taking a moment of introspection, I realized a few things, the first is this, I am grateful for where I am today. 

But if I am being truthful, I am dissatisfied with myself. I am not doing as well as I can; I am not putting in as much effort as I should, and I am at a loss of motivation, both internal and external. I am operating on a busted autopilot, waiting for the plane to crash, and I can try to fix it, but I don't want to. I must admit, I am hitting a lot of I don’t know, and I am struggling to figure things out. I am finding my life tedious, and I am not trying to dive into something new, in fact, anything I have not started yet, I might not even start at all (apologies for the stuff on the blog that I have not started). It is not a pretty place to be in, and admitting this truth to myself at least allows me to identify the problem. 

Use Your Words Campaign.
One of my new year resolutions is the “Use Your Words” campaign. This means doing well to process my emotions and feelings and communicating with people since I have discovered I am not very good at it. So as the year started, I was on point with this, talking about the way I feel, writing down anything that seemed to bother me, having an actual conversation with people even if it felt so difficult until I sort of stopped. I mean, I have to let people know the way I feel about them. Like you all are not going to learn how to read minds and take hints?  😓😓😓

I did get into trouble with this campaign and maybe that is why I stopped. The truth is this, though, I didn’t feel burdened or uncertain in relating with people when I let them know how their actions or inactions affect me. But it gets exhausting that I have to do it every time, and there are things I am scared of confronting or telling people. Not because the person is scary, but their possible reaction that I have no control over terrifies me. Along the way, though, I found myself holding back because of people’s reaction. What are they going to say, how well can I say this without stepping on their toes, how can I put this that would not offend a very immature person, and the list of concerns goes on and on. 

I figured out two things, though: a) I cannot continue to shrink or step back because of fear. I refuse to abandon a resolution I made because of what others might say. b) Some things are better left unsaid. What I have not figured out is which situation deserves which response.

With Love,

The Estherian.