TCS: Friendships, Relationships, And Everything In Between

    One of the things society has sold to us right from our childhood days; from cartoons, books to films and even special days to celebrate relationships and make the single people feel maybe inadequate has to be a relationship, the idea that everyone needs somebody. Now that we are getting older, we have begun to learn more about the world and that everybody needs someone. We are learning that there is no broad stroke to define human relationships, and there would always be different labels to relationships.

Note: This conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity

Today, on The Conversation Series, I am with a very wonderful human. We always argue about a lot of things but have somehow found a way to find common ground. We would be having a conversation around the topic titled; Friendships, Relationships, And Everything In Between.

Welcome to the conversation series. I think we are going to start with the introductions. Can you let the readers know who you are?

Hey guys. My name is Chinazom but I go by Nazom. 

All right. What was your initial reaction to this invitation to my blog?

Okay, because I’m a busy person, it came so suddenly. Okay, I’m joking. I was so excited because I‘ve always wanted to do something like this, and it is a very interesting topic, and I am actually all in. 

Oshey, busy person. As the title suggests, I believe that there is a sort of hierarchy between friendships and relationships, and they can evolve into something more, friendships can progress into romantic relationships and all that jazz. Do you share the same opinion with me?

For me, I think that when it comes to friendship, you have someone in your corner. I prefer friendships to relationships to be very honest because I feel like in relationships there is more. But for friendship, you don’t always have to put your best foot forward and perform. You can be real with them. And also a good relationship is going to stem from the foundation of a very good friendship.

So this suggests to me that maybe we view these things like friendship as the major step, and sometimes it can become if you decide to take it further, a romantic relationship. 

Yes. I do agree with this.

But it doesn’t always follow now, does it? I mean, a romantic relationship can just start from that premise and friendships don't always lead to romance?

Yeah, yeah.

I believe that there is always hype for romantic relationships. How do you feel about that?

I mean, love is a beautiful thing, but it is overhyped now. I prefer the old-fashioned way of love. Now, my perspective of the whole thing is shaky because of what people tend to assume it to be. 

I say that the thing romantic relationships have over Platonic friendship is good PR. You don’t see a lot of going out with friends as much as a post on relationships and a lot more of God when. And it turns out to be so fickle, like one of the adaptive responses to relationship PR is “it will end in tears” and it does most times. It just shows the quality and maybe the intention of the relationship we have out there.

What is your take on the question, “What do you bring to the table?” in line with any kind of human relationship?

There is something someone told me, that you can’t be with someone that you don’t benefit anything from, or you’re not giving anything to. Bringing something to the table is just like, try to be supportive in the way you can. Don’t just come and be like he is the guy and should do everything. You should do well enough to lift your weight and not be a liability to anyone you are with. Add value to your relationship.

I think I have something to add here. I believe the table is the center point, the convergence of everything and as humans, you bring a lot of things to the metaphoric table. You should bring things like trust, loyalty, support, care, attention, and so on. And also, I don’t like the bad connotation that question has. Like in our climes today, anytime the question is asked, it is either about money or sex.

I think it depends on the mentality. We are Nigerians and in this society bringing something to the table means the money, not even the trust and that is why I referenced that.

Source: Pinterest

ON FRIENDSHIP:

How easy is it for you to make friends?

I am very selective when it comes to friends like I unknowingly select the people I call friends, and it is very hard for me to make friends. I don’t have a lot of friends. If I love your vibe, and our vibes match, then we can roll. I don’t always look out for what I can benefit from. But if you make me happy, get me, encourage me and there is this kind of positive vibe, I connect with it. I have a small circle that I appreciate and am grateful for, and I am content with that.

For me, I consider myself very friendly, but it doesn’t translate into making friends. We can be vibing and all, but it is not always skin deep. Like I won’t call on those people when I need help or someone to talk to. I pride myself on having a small circle, and I have no interest in making that circle any bigger. In the words of NF, I count on one hand the people I trust.

Is childhood friendship different from friendship as adults? And what exactly is the difference?

Yeah, it has a different kinda vibe. Like my childhood friends, I don’t talk to them every time but when we see each other, we go mad. The energy is so different and they are always going to be my “day ones”. I prefer making friends as a child because now we are adults, we are becoming more mature, more critical, and selective unlike when we were younger, free and innocent and we don’t have other things to think about. Now we have to prioritize everything, including making friends and having time to be with them.

So in simple words, it is easier to make friends as a child than it is as an adult.

Exactly, make friends when you are young.

ON IN-BETWEENS:

The funniest thing I have ever heard is “Delay-tionship”, what about you?

I have heard of situationship and entanglement.

Entanglement with August.

I love being specific with my relationship with people, if we are dating then we are dating, if we are doing this, we are doing this. I don’t like to be like, “oh, let’s be complicated.” I don’t think it makes sense, I love to define any relationship or friendship with someone and if you are not in line with that I’m going to let you go.

Wahala for those who cannot let go. I don’t think anybody plans to be in an “it’s complicated” kinda thing. I think people just get caught up in between. Like there is a shift and change in the goals and expectations for both people, and it ends up with being like we are more than just friends and less than partners. But remaining in that kind of situation is the person's choice because you can move on to something better, and maybe the person is hanging on to the hope that something is going to change and is waiting for it to happen.

I cannot. My advice for emotional people is to better know what you are doing, I don’t think it is healthy.

One of the traps I think I have fallen into is believing private and secret are the same thing. I don’t want anyone to be in a situation where the person they are with is like let’s keep this thing between us private, and you turn out to be a secret. Be sure you all are private, and you are not the person’s secret. It is okay for people not to know the intricacy of your relationship, but it is awful for people not to know there is a relationship in the first place. And that is how you find yourself in between. And I think it breaks you more because you can’t tell anyone something is going on. You are going to start telling your story one day and the thing that will hurt more is hearing, do you people even know each other?

 Yeah, don’t be a secret. If anyone wants you to remain a secret, it is a red flag.

Source: Pinterest

ON RELATIONSHIP: 

I believe that subconsciously, social media has put standards of and expectations from relationships in our minds. 

Partly. In the sense that most people will love to keep their relationship private because of the kind of society we find ourselves in and how it operates. If you’re a celebrity for example, and you put up the picture of your partner, people go and research about the person to see if they are up to the standard like are they rich, beautiful or handsome, tall and so on. When it comes to me, I don’t like people meddling, like trying to watch out for what is happening and becoming the third party in my relationship. Then you begin to think what will people say. And I don’t want to owe anybody any information about my relationship.

What do you think a healthy relationship is?

This is my opinion, God first. He will direct you and your partner, especially in decision making. But a relationship is not always about being in love. You have to be understanding, you have to trust and be compatible with your partner. You both should do things the right way. Also, don’t be with someone because of what you want to get from the person, that is unhealthy. Don’t date because of the material things. Another thing is communication, creating principles and systems on how the relationship should operate.

Let your relationship be one of respect for each other and be your partner’s safe space. The world is in a terrible state already.

I forgot to mention, don’t be in an abusive relationship, don’t try to endure or believe you can change the other person. People rarely change. Leave any toxic relationship.

Both of you should share the same goal and destination at all times concerning your relationship, and also working towards that goal. Don’t let it be a situation where someone is asking what are we.

We are nothing but pencils in the hand of the creator.

While we try to guide people and make sure they make the right decision, how often do we criticize other people’s choices? What do you believe is the best approach to help someone that is taking a wrong step in terms of relationship?

For me, I don’t judge people. I feel like love can do wonders in people. You can act like a mumu when you are in love. But you don't always have to be perfect. You have to go through experiences to be better at how to relate with people. So the fact that someone is not yet there doesn’t mean you have to criticize the person. I mean, it is alright to say, “Okay, I have been here before, and it is not good” but allow the person to experience some of that stuff too. Try not to project on others. I will say, just correct people with love and don’t be out to make people feel bad or worse about a bad experience.

My take is this, there is this issue with giving unsolicited advice and feeling bad that no one took the advice. And even if you were asked, don’t forget whoever you are advising has the choice to accept it or not. Don’t be an “I told you so” person, nobody wants to be with that kind of person.

 

One thing I will advise irrespective of the category be it friendship, relationship or everything in between is this, always define and enforce your boundaries. Boundaries aren’t meant to keep people out, instead, they help to protect you from the wrong people.

Yeah, it is good to set boundaries. Everyone has their principles in life. Your friends and partner(s) have to respect whatever boundaries you have set.

Source: Pinterest

I am closing with this, it is not good for anyone to be alone, you can’t go through life alone. It is quite important to always have someone to be with, so surround yourself with people. Have people around in a safe and healthy space and have boundaries. That’s it. I want to thank Nazom for being here with me today.

Thank you and God bless. Peace out.

Have a beautiful week.

With love,

The Estherian