Today, I Turn 21

I would like to start by stating that I stole the title from a note that inspired me to put this up.

Source: Weheartit.com

I am aware that I am a collection of different people, ideas and inspiration, and maybe I am not an original, but it does not take away from the fact that the collection of all that makes me, well me, is a unique and somewhat original pattern and in the vastness of the universe and the depth of my insignificance, I am here, and I am leaving my mark.

You see, I have always been afraid of the next day and I always thought there were a few things I needed to have that would make life a lot better; love, a partner, being the best student, and I chased after this blindly not caring what became of me. I believed if I at least had these things, I am going to have a chance. I am happy to announce I don't have any of that as I turn 21, at least not in the way I imagined.

I have had quite a detour in life, learning the things I didn't consider important. And if there is anything I am learning as I continue this life's journey, I daresay adventure, is that not everything turns out the way you want it to. And it is fine. You make do with what you have, the opportunity you are given, and you consciously work towards what you want to get out of life.

I am learning the meaning of life is in the grand little things; the smile of a friend, the call from a loved one on an exhausting day, the well done from a senior colleague, the prayers from the neighbour that you helped to carry water. Life is measured by all those little things that somehow weave the tapestry of our existence and not by what we are going to become, maybe a doctor or how much we are going to someday have. I am learning not to ascribe too much importance to material things, to remember that they are a means to what I want and the things they can provide but not the end goal neither is it a defining factor of who I am.

I am learning that there is more to a person than I think they are and regardless of how I see them, they are deserving of love even if they don't believe it yet. And sometimes the best way to show them love is to walk away because it is the right thing to do for both of us.

I am learning that not everything I call mine that is me. My thoughts, emotions are not me and I mustn’t become them. There is wisdom also in listening to myself and what my emotions have to say, what my triggers are bringing to my consciousness, and that there are no negative or positive emotions. They are needed to help me grow, and I am now open to what there is to feel.

I am learning that home is not a place but people and the way I feel when I am around them and when I am homesick, I am homesick for those people. Also, home can be a place that feels familiar. I am learning that I don't need to seek reassurance from the people I love because I am secure in my place in their lives or that they are accepting of who I am and helping me in my journey towards becoming me.

I am learning to be me, even if most days I don't know who she is supposed to be. I am learning to show up and to be a better human because that is all there is to be. I am learning to do the things that spark an interest in me, and I have learnt that I don't have to cut myself open just to show I deserve something. I have learnt how to have a rest, or learning how to. I am learning to let go of the things I didn't think I could live without, and it is surprising how I am thriving without them.

I am learning that I am not a fan of conventional, and I desire a life that is different from what even I expect. I am choosing to tread the path least travelled. I know now that falling in love when you are in your teenage years might not be a good idea, and I am not chasing after that anymore and the reason behind that is the understanding that I am loved through and through, at my best and worst, and I have allowed myself to begin to unconditionally love me too, especially the younger me. I know that everything in life is a gift freely given, so I no longer feel sad about the things I do not have, and I am beginning to get comfortable in the fact that I might be with myself for a long time. And being alone is not a bad thing.

I am becoming more aware of who God is as a father, and I have seen Him come through over and again. I have been in a near-death moment and the only thing I could think of was what my death would mean to those who love me and told myself that was not a good day to die. But I am living with the consciousness that tomorrow is not promised.

I have my excesses too. I am self-indulgent, refusing to deny myself anything I derive pleasure from, and I am saying a little thank you to my creator for allowing certain things about me to be. Maybe 21 is the year I work on that. I am giving myself grace for all my mistakes because I understand that I did what I thought was best for me at that point and knowing better now should not make me despise who I used to be. I am thankful for the people around me that are making the process of becoming me a lot easier, people that do not allow me to question how worthy I am for what I am receiving.

I have become more grateful for everything; people, experiences, lessons and even breath in my lungs. Grateful for all the hugs, and shoulders to cry on. I am grateful for all those that have impacted my inner verse in their most unexpected ways. 

Source: Pinterest

At 21, you are considered fully an adult, but I am choosing to remain as childlike as I can be, viewing the world in all its awe and beauty. I am hoping to mature and become everything my Father (God) created me to be. I am choosing to remain open to whatever experience life is bringing my way, I hope my faith becomes stronger, and I let go of the things that no longer serve me. Above all, I pray to love others, the way my Father (God) loves them.

Happy birthday, Oluwaseyi.
P.S: I want balloons.