Querying Personal

 

Source: pexel.com

Hello lovelies, how have you been?

What is the situation like for you? I hope things are going on well, you are sorting out all there is to sort out, and you are approaching the end of the year with hope and a lot more ticked off the checklist of your plan for the year. I hope you were accountable to your resolutions and to the places you have not measured up to, I pray that you find the courage to work on those before the year is over. In all, I hope you are not giving up on yourself, your dreams and any ambition you have for the year. And for the things that seem out of reach, I hope you have the courage to have a go at it again.

I have been following the program as the year slowly comes to an end, you know, attending postings, writing a few things, sewing and making plans to get a different accommodation and for once, all these are not as overwhelming as I expected. For one, I am more relaxed, I have people helping me out in ways that they can, and I don’t know, I have told myself to chill, to chill a lot. And it helped. Although November is going to be a bit rough or maybe just one or two weekends in November, hopefully, I find the rhythm to things and just chill. Anyway, this is not what I want to talk about today.

If you noticed, I didn’t put up a post last week and for the first time, it is not because I have nothing to share. I have been writing a lot more these days and for some reason, I don’t know if those things border the line of acceptable and oversharing. I don’t like to burden people or their feelings, and I believe I don’t have to bare myself as often as I can. After the Character Flaw post, I believe that was too much to share with people and for some reason, everything else I have written since then is a lot more, for lack of a pretty word, revealing.  It has evidence of longing and loneliness, it has fear and anxiety, and it has in between the lines my pleas for something much more than this, and I am here wondering, is this OK to share? I say this a lot, this blog is going to be real, with real stories, real emotions to create impact and I am going to be H.O.T (Humble, Open and Transparent) and right now I am hoping to not blur the line between relatable and oversharing. 

So I have someone that has been staying with me for a while. It is safe to say that the maximum number of days that I can be excited about being near someone and feel the need to be present is seven days. In line with my current capability, I can’t do more than that. This means, after seven days, you can as well count me absent unless you are comfortable with silences and random breaks with a bit of conversation from me.  What am I driving at with this? Honestly, I lost track of that after the second line, so I am just going to continue with the point I was trying to make earlier.

I am trying to be careful with the stories I tell and with what I share. I am trying to maintain a kind of place where I don’t cause you, my readers, any form of distress as a result of what I wrote. Writing as I have mentioned earlier is my source of escape, it helps me make sense of what is happening, and it also helps me reach out to people because I am trying in that aspect. Being present with someone every day doesn’t make communicating with them a lot easier, it is still as difficult as being a thousand miles away, but writing, putting my feelings into words, telling something from my place of nothingness helps, it is my "Hello world, I have something to say, can you please listen."  And writing alone is not going to cut it for me because I can’t keep on writing those things and leaving it on my laptop, hoping one day when I finally get over that situation, I get to talk about it. 

And now, I am at a crossroads asking, who am I writing for, what am I permitted to say or share, and am I saying too much or too little?  And I am sure you saw the point I was trying to make. I send some of my writing to certain people before I put them up here, especially if I think it is going to be too much and their reactions help me decide if I should put it up and boy, what I get most of the time is, "are you sure you want to post that?" 

I was not, that is why you are seeing it before others. So to my beta readers, I hope you understand the parts you play on this blog and the way you have been helping to curate the content I put up here. Thank you. 

Source: pexel.com

Although there are some things I can share from the different pieces that might not make it out completely because I want you to see a bit of it. 

Except I don't know. I have no diagnosis, and I am convinced I will never go see a specialist because it balls down to one thing, one irrational fear, which is what if I am normal? What if I am perfectly OK, of a sound mind? I mean it is human to get anxious, or maybe have a panic attack once, we all get obsessed with things, and many people dislike anything that breaks the pattern they have made, or the way things should be. I have mentioned that I am OK with not being special, but I fear being normal. I just don't want to be another human. I don't want to strive for the same thing, live the same kind of life, I don't want to be a rebel also, because that's so predictable, so normal, and I am not sure how much conformity defines you as a non-conformist.  The truth is, I want to be a statistical anomaly, I want to be an outlier. And in my younger brother's words, we can't all be.

The Fear Of Normalcy.

It gets distracting to be honest, trying to focus on yourself and all the progress you make and realizing you earnestly yearn to find someone to share such moments with. It hurts to have a lot to say and find out that you are alone for the most time and maybe your friends are occupied and might not be in the mood to talk to you. You realize you are not a child and cannot throw a tantrum because of that fact. You realize you miss long talks that end up as comfortable silence and resting your head on someone else. You realize you miss someone telling you to eat and going the extra mile to prepare that food. You realize just as your friend leaves after visiting for a week that the “you need someone” she said all through the week was right. 

Love Letters.

“Hey babe, how is your day coming along?” he started.

“Fine, just getting ready for tonight,” I replied, moving towards my bed to sit since I can’t possibly imagine returning to that accursed chair.

“Well about that, can we do a rain check, I am going to be late, and the traffic is going to be unforgiving when I am coming to your place.  Why don’t I order food for you and bring it over, we can have something similar, and it is only going to be the both of us?”

I felt a bit sad, and I was tempted to drop the call, but maturity won this time and I replied with a sad OK.

“I will make it up to you, I promise”

“OK, I am waiting for you.”

Red.

I love you.

And you don’t know how freeing that was, to finally tell me that is the way I feel about you, that is the emotion I have towards you and that is a choice and promise I am willing to make and at the same time so constricting that you might never feel the same or see me in the same vein. You mentioned or rather I interpreted it as you not having my energy, and I am terrified of being too much, and I don’t want to be that. So I understand if you don’t feel the same, and I implore you to not in a sympathetic way try to fake or reassure me of something that is never going to be. I guess I am getting comfortable with unrequited love. So it is alright if my heart breaks again, in its healing, it learns to love someone a lot more. 

Confessions Of A Hopeless Romantic.

My story starts with something that sounds like a warning from Songs of Songs 2:5(MSG), 

“Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe, and you’re ready.” 

Storytime.

In all, to move on requires you healing from whatever hurts you or whatever broke you. But healing itself takes time, and it is not a straight road. It is often a rollercoaster, ups and downs, it takes you opening up and facing what went wrong. You can’t heal from what you refuse to face or talk about. I am learning that now. Healing is your responsibility, not anyone else and until you communicate with others, you won’t get it done. In simpler words, your healing is on you and you alone. Note to self, you need to learn how to talk to people.  So maybe I am beating myself up about it, I am accepting that I am not perfect, but at least I am making progress. 

Storytime.

Well, that is the end of today's post. 

If you want to read any of the above let me know, I might send it to you. I can't share the last two though, they are awfully personal, and Red doesn't fit anywhere in my blog yet. You can leave a comment below or reach me at theestherian@gmail.com.

Until next time,

The Estherian.