I Got To Live

 

Source: Pinterest

I believe it is expedient to let you know that despite me saying times without number that I am aware that I am going to die someday, and I am accepting of the fact that I don't know when that might be, I believe I am more accepting of death than I am of living. 

There is this funny conversation that comes up often between my friend and me, and it is one where I talk about taking a very long nap. I tell them that I am often too tired, and I would like to sleep for as long as I can and maybe wake up at the good part of life. You know, the part where everything finally makes sense. Although the last time we had that conversation, my friend told me point-blank, maybe the kind of sleep I am talking about is death, but he is not ready to die yet. He is scared of what happens next, and I am not. I am hopeful I end up in heaven by the grace of God. This is not today's story, though. 

What will I say if one day I wake

All of a sudden, I'm there at that gate?

The end of my life, no time for goodbyes

And I didn't get to try everything twice

The first time I heard this song, it just came up on my YouTube Music recommendation. I don't remember the events that led to me downloading it, but I listen to it once in a while. I was all caught up in my feelings last week and when I heard the song it made me so sad.

He started by asking what would happen if he dies all of a sudden, how would he feel if he never gets to tell anyone bye, if he just ends, just comes to a sudden halt. The line that stood out to me was the line where he said he never gets to try everything twice. I am not sure if I get to do anything once, I never get to even do anything at all. I am always waiting for tomorrow, a perfect chance or a different moment. Sometimes it is the defiance I have towards life, the moment of waiting for everything to pass by, I don't create chances, the maximum risk I take is the risk with guaranteed outcomes, I feel my life is waiting for me to start living it. So medical students always have something going on, whether they are in a society or organization, participating in extracurricular activities, meeting new people, and I never do that. All I do on weekends is sleep and on the days I can, I write. 

I'd say, "Why'd it have to be me?

Why'd I have to go like this?

Know we hardly ever speak

But you could've given me notice

So thank God it's all in my head

'Cause I ain't done breathing just yet

So this is where it started to hit me, if I die, will I ask why? Will I put up a fight and ask Life why she didn't tell me this was going to be over soon? Why were there no warning signs, was I not supposed to know, at least be in on the joke that life as I knew it was over before it barely began? Or would I thank her and let her know I have only been waiting all my life for this rest to come my way. I am not sure how much of a reaction I will have or how much of a reaction any of us can have when it is finally over, but I have the same conclusion, thank God it's all in my head and even if I am not always actively living, I am not done breathing just yet. 

I hope I don't go before it's my time

Before I can show what I'll do with my life

My wife would be sad and keep asking why

My mom would be mad, 'cause that's just what she's like

This is a heartfelt prayer and plea. I don't want to go before it's my time. I don't want life to be over before I can do something with it before I can show others what I can achieve. I want to make meaning out of life, I want to live a different and beautiful life, I want to touch the world, see the sights and I want to be able to do all this at least twice. And I am concerned about my loved ones, what will they say if the news of my end reaches them, how will they handle it? How will my parents react, what about my brothers and cousins. What about you, reading this post? What will you do if you realize this is the last thing I ever put up? What if I never become more than I am now? Is this even enough? 

But I hope that someone remembers me well

That my messed up stories are good ones to tell

Don't get to decide, but if I did

I wouldn't die before I got to live

And if my story gets told, will it matter?

There is a line from Hamilton that haunts me, tortures my soul in fact, "You have no control, who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"  

What will they say became of me, will my story make someone laugh, will good come out of it all? I really want all this to matter in even the littlest way, I want the person remembering me to do so with a sigh and say that was a good one, a beautiful mess, one that matters still. 

I know I don't get to decide, I will never be in on the joke about the end of my life, and I am not scared of what happens after, but if I can decide one thing, I wouldn't die before I got to live. 

This is what scares me, that I am not living. I am going through the motions every day, doing all these little things, but I am not living, and I want to live. I hope, no I desire to live before death comes for me. I can't say for certain what happens to the people I leave behind, but I don't want to regret this life when it is over. 

I wouldn't die before I got to live 

Song: I Got To Live by Sam Fischer

Happy new month. 🥳🥳🥳

It is the 11th month of the year and the end of 2021 is in sight. I am so excited and I know this is going to be a beautiful month.

Do have an amazing week.

With Love,

The Estherian.