Check-in: January 2022.

source: Twitter

January happened and the reality of the new year is beginning to dawn on me. How is 2022 treating you? By the way, can the people who said this month went by fast raise their hands and then apologize for the gross misinformation. January was a drag, and it felt so long and so tiring. Despite me saying that I don’t have any plans for January except for school, church and sleep, I managed to exhaust myself. Maybe it is the school that is tiring, or maybe it is because the sit-at-home has done nothing but make me wish I was back home and free to go out whenever I like. And if you are going to say, “but you don’t go out normally”, rest in the name of Jesus. Also, I thought I was going to be sleeping more, it didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep as well as I expected. There were days I was unable to fall asleep, and it can be so frustrating. But let’s move away from that.

I was able to undertake a few projects this month, and it was quite exciting. I also joined an Interactive Monthly Community Engagement Series hosted by Asido Foundation, and it was amazing. You should go ahead and check them out on social media. I loved the guest speaker for the month, he is a good orator, a medical lawyer (doctor and lawyer) and the topic was centred around the criminalization of suicidal attempts. I found out about the foundation because of an essay competition I participated in last year. That night was also the day they announced the winners for the essay competition, and I hated the tension that came with waiting for the winners to be announced. I understand the urge to drag the announcement, but it is not necessary, to be honest. Also, I didn’t win, but I am happy I participated in the essay competition. 

Towards the end of 2021, I found myself in a bit of a struggle, and I am trying to figure it out. I don’t have a lot of friends, and one thing I know is this; I hold on maybe a bit too tightly to the few I have. I share everything with them, and I always find myself borrowing from the vast resources they have to offer. My friends are everything to me, and sometimes I define myself based on who I am to them. But as the year was rolling out, I realized one thing, the time I have left to spend with them is almost over. Aside from the fact, we are almost graduating, we will never be in the same space again for a very long time. We were apart for the last three months of 2021, and we will probably only meet each other in passing for the first six months in 2022 because of clinical postings.

That scared me so much that I started to pull away and in some ways began to sabotage my friendships with them. And it wasn’t until Arnold pointed it out to me that I realized what I had done. Even now, I don’t think my friendship with any of them has improved. If I am being honest, I think my friendship with them is going downhill, and I have no control over what is going to happen next. 

I have been trying to focus on what I want out of the year and aside from having a closer walk with God this year, I need to walk with someone this year. This can be as literal as walking to school or back home with someone to having an intimate connection with another human, and by intimate, I am not speaking of a romantic relationship. I need someone that is present and after spending a lot of time on the internet, I am not really in favour of physical distance. Let’s skip the talking stage, move in with me. I know it will happen eventually, but right now I don’t want distance to be a barrier. 

I need to have someone that I can have access to every day, and you can call me needy, but that is how I feel right now. I want conversations that can turn into a comfortable silence, I need someone that I can be free to tell anything to without feeling I am going to say something wrong and ruin everything we have. I need someone that I am truly open to, not having to hide parts of myself from (I think it is important that I say that I am aware of the difficulty I have in expressing myself to people, and it is not their fault if I am being honest). I have said it a lot, but I need to be with someone that will not make me ask myself if I am being too much. I need someone to grow with and someone to cheer me on. And maybe the most essential thing is that I need someone that allows me to be the same to them because if you are going to be all this to me and never allow me to be able to be in the same position for you, if you are going to be my shoulder to lean on, listening to all my worries and being of immense help to me but draw the line at receiving the same from me, it is not going to take long before I begin to see myself as a burden. And I hate feeling like a burden. 

If you are wondering why I am talking about this, just know it because I felt so alone last year and I don’t want to feel the same this year. Again, I am blessed to have the people I have in my life right now here, and I don’t know if I am being ungrateful by saying this, I hope I am not, but I desire more, and I don’t know how to go about it. I am not comfortable placing demands on people that have done so much for me especially now I can’t see the way I have been able to give back to them. I am still terrified of making new friends and creating new experiences with people, but I don’t want to do this year alone. Maybe it is the new place, maybe it is because I fell ill last year and I had to take care of myself. One thing I want this year is to have someone that is going to be closer than most people and I, in turn, can be the same. 

“And if you're broken
You'll make your own thing
You'll make it so big
For all the world to see
You'll make it so damn big
For all the world to see"
Next up Forever

AJR.

With that being said, I believe I have got to the end of this post.
I hope February is going to be better, and 2022 turns out to be amazing for us all. 

Do have a wonderful week.

With Love,

The Estherian.