Lost In Translation

It is only fitting to have at least one post that references Jon Bellion because I am a fan. Glory Sound Prep is awesome and the Hands of God is forever going to be a hit. But this is not an album review nor is this related to Jon Bellion in any way, it is just lost in translation seems to be the perfect summary of what happened.

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I planned to talk about this sometime as the year goes on, but somehow, fate beat me to it. Towards the end of last year, I became aware of the strain in my relationship with my close friends and I suspected something like this was going to happen if I take a moment to rewind my life, this looks like something that has been predicted to happen. There was going to be a fall-out, I feared it happening, and I became too paralysed to do anything about it. And here I am, right where I feared.

So I had a phone call with one of my closest friends and the resolution of the call was, our friendship is not going to be the way it used to be. We can remain friends but more like acquaintances instead of what we used to have. And that hurts, it hurts so bad, but I had to ask what caused us to end up on this path, what made things that bad? 

I mentioned in the “it’s a wrap mini-series” that I am so bad at communicating with people, especially those that are so important to me. For some reason, my tongue gets tied, and I am afraid I am going to say the wrong thing and ruin everything. This is because, unlike strangers and acquaintances, I have to always see the aftermath or ill effect of what I have said. I have also noticed that in any emotionally charged situation, I am not as mindful of the things I say as I ought to, in the sense I blurt out the things I don’t mean or realize I could have used better words to convey my thoughts while minimizing the level of hurt I cause. And that was one of the bases of our problem, we got closer and I, in turn, found it more difficult to say the things on my mind or the way I feel. I believe I have mastered the art of talking without saying anything in particular. 

The issue that became the last straw of sorts revealed what I think is our greatest problem. We got to a point where the things we were saying and the way we were communicating was not well received or understood. I wish I can call back and say I was not trying to be rude in any way, but we have become lost in translation. Maybe I should restrict important conversations to face to face conversations instead of phone calls and text messages. Text messages don’t convey people’s emotions well and the wording can give you the wrong perspective on things, but then again I feel it is too late to complain. And somehow, I feel I am not constructing this paragraph well and there is a high chance it would be misinterpreted. I tried my best to communicate and unfortunately, my message was not getting across at all and eventually, everything broke down.  

But I learnt two things at the end of the day and that is the important thing, right? That we learn from our mistakes and experiences so that we no longer find ourselves in such a cycle. 

The first lesson is this: it is not enough to be aware of a problem, it is not enough for me to keep saying I am a poor communicator, and I always panic when I have something important to say. It is expedient to begin to put in the work and try my hardest to make sure such doesn’t happen again. There are still a lot more people to meet, and it is going to be awful if I am already setting myself up to lose them all at the end of the day.

The second lesson is this: it is time to respect people's decisions. I am done fighting for anything or anybody. I don’t have the strength to make people see reasons to remain in my life because if we are being honest, I don’t see a reason why. I mean, why exactly do you want to stick around for, and why do you want to leave? That should be up to you and you alone, and if one day you decide I am not worth it, I am learning to respect that decision and maybe do one better, walk away as well. And will it hurt me? Yes, it will. I mean I will most definitely cry and mourn what we had for as long as I can but at the end of the day, I don’t want anyone to feel like I am forcing them to remain when they want to be somewhere else protecting their mental health. Also, don't fight to remain in my life or try to prove anything to me, I will come to understand one day but right now, I don’t want to feel pressured into anything. 

Photo Credit: Esther
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This is to the girl that cried that night and wants to burn everything to the ground. 

Darling, whenever you decide to return from this path you have chosen, I want you to know for certain, you would have lost everything you hold dear. And I hope you are aware of this. I know you are trying to justify the feeling that you destroy everything, I know that you want to be able to say this was your fault. And maybe it is your fault, or maybe some things are just meant to be. 

You saw this coming, didn’t you? You knew this was inevitable, or you thought it was. I don't have the words to use to comfort you, I can't tell you it is going to be OK, because right now, it doesn't feel OK, right now it feels like it is only going to get worse. 

And I know, there is nothing else anyone can say to stop you from this journey, and it is not because you don't listen, it is because it takes a longer time for whatever is said to be accepted by you and become your reality. It takes a long time to focus on the problem. I want you to be a bit more aware so that at the end of the day, when you lose everything, remember you allowed it to be. 

With all the love in my heart,

The Estherian.

Do have an amazing week.