TCS S2E1

Okay, welcome to the second season of the conversation series. For the first episode, we will be picking up from where we stopped. We will just be diving right back into the awesomeness of the conversation series.  There is no special guest here today, instead, it is going to be in-house. So I have Aeon here. So let’s start with an introduction.

OK, my name is Chineye Adaobi Gloria, I attend the University of Nigeria, Enugu campus. I am a 400 level Accountancy student, and my pronoun is she/her.

I like the fact that people are stating their genders and the way they want to be addressed since gender has become more fluid.

Our topic today is something I have made mention of in the season finale, and it was supposed to be with someone else. A lot of things happened and Aeon happens to be here instead. The topic is; The human condition: Intimacy and Vulnerability. 

Note: This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Have you ever been interested in understanding what makes us different in the sense of being humans?

Yes, sometimes. I feel like all humans have something unique, something that makes us special and most of us or some of us tend to find out what this is either in the long or short run, while some people never find out what this is. So yes, I feel like there is something distinct about every human.

So what is your exact interest, what have you done to understand humans?  I remember a saying, but I am not sure how it goes, anyone that can fully understand himself can understand people, and knows what it means to be human. Do you have an introspective approach or an observatory approach to understanding what makes us human?

Okay, I believe it is a two-way process, both observatory and introspective because if you base your understanding only on introspect, you are likely to be narrow-minded, but if you observe others, there is a higher chance of broadening your mind. And I think there has to be a balance between the two.

That’s nice. Can you guess where I got the human condition from? 

No, can you like…

Do you know “The Human Condition album” by Jon Bellion?

No.

I feel the Human condition is a collection of everything that makes us human, our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, suffering, our trying to understand what is going on and our failure to do so. It is our ability and inability to sympathize with others. Have you seen that to Love is to suffer and to not love is to suffer, and you have to pick the kind of suffering you want because, at the end of the day, there is still suffering? I feel like that is the human condition, that in everything we do, we never get to that point, something is always out of reach, something is going to elude us, and you have to decide if you are satisfied with what you have and if you will give up on what you don’t have. What about you, what do you think is the human condition?

When I was in Senior Secondary school, I offered Literature as a course and there is this poem about humans having everything except rest. As you said, we humans are always looking for something to feel, like something is incomplete. I feel we are selfish, most times, we find it hard to look at the world, instead, we focus on ourselves. I think that is a part of the human condition.

What do you think is the biggest paradox of being human? I know I mentioned last year that to grow is to die.

Thinking of something that concerns my life, to be happy is to grieve.

What can you say about the human mental state? I feel that it is a big part of being human. I have come to realize my mental state is fragile. Not only that, but I used to tell people not to treat me like an egg, and I realized that I am worse than an egg. I had thick skin until recently. I have come to understand that if you raise your voice at me, I will break down.

Mental state so far, from my experience and observation, I have noticed that those that try to show people they are strong-willed and all that are the most fragile.

According to AJR, I am weak, and I’m fine with it. 

They try to deny they are soft, try to show people around that they are strong. As you said, your mental egg is more fragile than an egg, but looking at it from the outside, it looks strong but when you push it a little, it falls and breaks. While those that I feel are soft, when they show the world their state of mind, when they are at a point of breaking down, I think they tend to heal more because they have already learnt how to express what is going on with them and help comes to them easily.

I used to think that was a thing, I used to believe that the more stuff happens to me, the more I show people, the more I let it out, that it gets better. I’ve realized that most people don’t care, and I don’t feel hurt by that. What I feel hurt by is when I am caught up in my emotions and mind, and it’s lying to me, and I’m trying to reach out to people because sometimes I can’t express what is going on and how I feel and when I do, I get these, “don’t worry, you can do this, you are strong” and I’m always like, “no, I’m not strong”. Other times when I try to reach out to people with the way I’m feeling, I get subtle you sha want us to think something is wrong with you and I can’t justify that.

Coming to what you just said now, about you sharing it with people and them taking it for granted and feeling like they can’t relate, what if you turn to people you feel would understand you better and be able to help.

Thank you, I will see what I can do about that. I have been trying a lot of self-help and self-care, though. What do you think about it? Do you have any personal experience with it?

About this self-help, it depends on you finding what can help you. Some of us resort to writing, whatever happens to us, we tend to write it down rather than telling people. That is part of self-help. Sometimes talking to yourself, looking in a mirror and having a conversation with yourself can be a part of it. Someone on Twitter said you can create a WhatsApp group chat for yourself, just type messages there for yourself. 

How do you do that?

Maybe create a group, add yourself and a bunch of people, then remove other people from the group and remain there.

What not just to take up journaling? That’s a nice idea, though. 

Do you agree that humans are social beings?

Okay, in most aspects.

Why do you use most aspects, why not all aspects?

Sometimes you, some people- I am some people - don’t like to socialize.

I didn’t ask if you like to socialize. I mean we don’t like people, I don’t know if you don’t like people sha.

I don’t like people.

Humans can be exhausting, but I am realizing humans are meant to be social beings. Even if I don’t like people, I like to like some people because, in as much as I crave to be alone and away from the world, I want to have someone that I can frustrate like that’s my goal to frustrate somebody and the person will not frustrate me back because I can’t handle frustration. Just kidding

You are an introvert, then?

Yes

But you agree that humans are meant to be social beings.

Yes. I like to laugh a lot and I like to stay with someone that would make me laugh more than talk. Now I agree.

What do you understand about intimacy?

I feel like it is having someone that you share everything with. You share your joy, happiness, sorrow, and when you want to cry, you have someone to do everything with. To find that intimacy is a blessing because it is so difficult now for you to find someone that you know condones everything you want to give them. Some people will feel irritated but to have that person that is always there, always ready to understand, willing to listen.

And in turn, what does the person gain?

You show the person love.

Do you think intimacy is found in romantic relationships only?

No.

So it can be anywhere?

Yes.

Are you scared of intimacy?

Yes, I’m scared because I feel vulnerable…

Darling, you are going too fast. Why are you scared of intimacy?

I’m scared to show someone every part of me, I feel like maybe one time you might use that against me, or not understand me the way I want to be understood.

Like you get lost in translation. Is there any experience you would like to share?

Yes. I don’t know if it is because of the way I behave or the people around me feel like I’m so strong, emotionally. There is one time I was telling my mother about a journey where the bus broke down, and I started shouting at the driver. He called me a masquerade, and it dealt with my self-esteem because I started looking at the mirror and my appearance more. When I told my mum, she was like perhaps he was sad and was just transferring the aggression.

She didn’t realize that there is already a seed of insecurity sown, and she just waved the experience off instead.

Yes. So recently, I have been trying to change my closet. I am used to baggy things, like jeans and T-shirts. There is a classmate of mine that sells these ashewo gowns, and I asked my cousin if a particular gown I liked would fit me, and she started laughing. She told me any gown would fit me, but the daughter was like she was mocking me and till today, I don’t believe the gown would fit me. 

That's sad, sorry. I am scared of intimacy because I feel that there isn’t much to know about me. Like there aren’t many great things about me. I feel like from afar you can see a lot of good things, she is a blogger, a medical student and all, but if you get real close, you will realize how much of a wreck I am. You begin to see all the not so perfect parts of me. The image from afar is me as much as the up-close me you get, but I feel like people would think I’m pretending to be who I’m outside. I believe the two images can coexist. Maybe I don’t give people enough credits, though. Also, I feel my life is overwhelming and if there is a deep connection between me and someone, I will end up overwhelming them and I don’t want to do that.

So back to the thing you were saying earlier, are you scared of vulnerability too?

Yes. I’m scared of tearing myself apart from someone. I feel like what hurts more is when you share what makes you sad, depressed or any other thing you are feeling with someone and the person takes it for granted.

I think what scares me with vulnerability is giving someone all the ammunition to break you and praying they don’t. I have been vulnerable before, I have been vulnerable more than once.

As it served as ammunition to the person you were vulnerable to?

Yes, the person used everything against me. Even though I have learnt and have good memories with this person, I believe he is still the cruellest person I’ve ever met. I feel people weaponize truths they hold about you, and it scares me. After that experience, whenever I feel I am getting too vulnerable, I just shut it down. To me, vulnerability is the ability to put yourself out without defence.

Being bare.

It is just being open, telling someone all the walls and fortress I have built are coming down so that you can have full access to me. It is letting someone see the good, the bad and the ugly. What about you?

Vulnerability as I said is being bare. It is showing the person the foundation, the naked structure of the building that is you. Concerning this vulnerability, I think the black shadow covering it is fear. Also, why I’m scared of it is I feel like when I bare myself to someone, the other person doesn’t reciprocate or bare all to me.

Exactly.

So that’s what makes me afraid.

Like you are letting down your walls and the person is still living in a fortress, with moats and crocodiles swimming in it, and you are there on an open field. 

How important is vulnerability to intimacy, though?

It is essential in the sense that it makes intimacy stronger. When you are vulnerable to someone, that person knows all about you, and you become so comfortable with the person. Being with the person feels like home, somewhere to run to.

A shelter because now you have no defence and the person becomes your defence. I feel vulnerability is the first step to intimacy. I feel vulnerability is opening yourself up and intimacy is the person covering you. I think that’s where my problem is because now, I’m scared of being vulnerable to people, and I’m depriving myself of intimacy. Also, I feel there are levels of vulnerability and each of these levels has a corresponding level of intimacy.

Do you think we struggle as humans to express the way we feel?

Yes. Sometimes we unknowingly let our guard down to people that are close to us.

Do I think I struggle to express the way I feel? Yes. Being as introspective as I can get, is my biggest struggle. I find it easier talking to a random stranger, telling them what is going on than telling the exact person that needs to hear whatever I need to say. And I believe it is because I can see the expressions, reactions and aftermath of whatever I am going to say. I also think it hinders my understanding of other people. 

Why do we struggle as humans? 

Because we are afraid.

This is the end of today’s conversation. Thank you Aeon, it is nice to have you here with me.

You are welcome.

By the time of this publication, I am happy to announce Aeon has listened to The Human Condition album and she loves it. Maybe she will let us know her favourite track in the comment. 

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With Love,

The Estherian