So What's Next?

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Dear reader,

Happy new month. It is kind of silly that I am saying that considering almost a week has passed since the beginning of the month. But this is the first post for the month, and it is alright to wish you that. How have you been? How is 2022 going? 

Personally, this year has been so long and sad for me. Yes, I know, this is just the third month, but for a lot of reasons, it has felt longer and more overwhelming. I have been broken more than I can imagine and also, I have found help along the way. The fact that I am here right now is a testament to the strength the Lord has given me, the strength that I didn’t know I needed until I felt so weak and low when I had to struggle every day to show up at the places I needed to show up. There is an update on the lesson of always showing up; for the days you can’t show up at all, give yourself grace for it. So that is what I am doing and what I have done. I am understanding that it is going to be a lot more difficult for me to show up in the places I did, and I am giving myself the grace to understand that it is OK not to be able to be there at times. 

2022 was supposed to be my year of I don’t anymore if I am being honest. It has become a struggle to be here, and I never realized that one day, being able to exist is going to be a struggle. At this point, though, I don’t know what the next thing is. I just want to be able to get through each day without falling apart. Maybe I will tell the story later, but right now, I am in the middle of it all, and it doesn’t seem to be making any sense at all. I don’t know what my next step or goal is. I don’t think anything I am going to write is going to be helpful because everything is sad, and I feel hurt in places I can’t even point to myself. I feel so abstract, without form, empty and totally wiped out. I don’t want to write from there.

Besides writing for the blog, in my private life, I have no idea of what’s next. The only thing that is certain right now is medical school and clinical postings, perhaps that is all I need to focus on right now. I have no plans when it comes to friends or community. My doctor suggested I make some changes to my lifestyle, maybe that will help me get better, and between me and you, I am not doing anything about that. It seems my comfort zone has become too toxic for me to remain there. 

So what is next for me? 
Firstly, I will be taking a break from writing, and I wish I can be exact with how long the break will be, but unfortunately, I cannot. If for any reason I don’t have any other post up until April, please accept my apologies. 
Secondly, I got my gear for the podcast, and you should be expecting something from the podcast this month. I hope everything works out for me and I can return to my former self or reach a new dimension of me, and I can’t wait for all this to pass away.
You can always reach me at theestherian@gmail.com. 

With Love,
The Estherian.


Comments

  1. LiszeegabMarch 10, 2022 at 2:13 PM

    Wow, I didn't see that coming. Well I will miss reading ur new post. Don't worry you will be fine.

    ReplyDelete

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