Check-in: Q1

-
The thing about taking a break is this, you dread returning to the way things used to be and in my case, there is the fear of not being able to do half of what I used to be able to do. For example, everything I tried writing last month is incomplete, and I don’t know how to complete it. 
In other news, I am back from my break. 
Source: Pinterest
So, what can you say about the first quarter of the year? 
For me, the first quarter of the year has been unexpected, and I don’t mean in the pleasant surprise kind of way. At this point, everything seems neutral, and I have to be intentional about focusing on the good of every day as against the way I feel. Before the break, I was scared that if I kept trying to put something out every week, it would have this negative energy around it, and maybe it would be too much for my readers to relate to. I don’t know if my writing still has a sad undertone to it, but I rather just try to put myself back out, and it will come back to me. Hopefully, I will get the hang of how things used to be.

But permit me to share how I feel. I know I have been told that I need to start working on my mind and training my subconscious to focus on the positives, to try to shift from the pessimistic view to a more optimistic view, and I have been trying that. I have to keep a gratitude journal, alongside my drugs and every struggle. But if I can give a one-word review of the first quarter of 2022, it is going to be defeated. 

I knew there was a journey up ahead, but I never knew it was going to be against my mind. It felt like I lost everything in the first quarter and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t seem to figure out the way forward. I feel defeated in the sense that I cannot dream of big things to come or focus long enough on the things here. All I can do is take one day at a time and to be honest, that is not a bad thing. I am not even excited to go to school again. And that is so funny because the people that know me, know I too like school. 

And to the friendship I had before all this started, I am still trying to give them space and grace, and the reason I am so dutiful to that is this, that is all I can do. I can only give space and grace. What can I say, how can I fix any of this? I have messed up so bad that there seems to be no way back, and I am not brave to start all this over again. I still wait on my phone every day for a phone call or a message that I know will never come my way, and I am so tired of telling myself to move on. The message is never going to come and even if it does, I am not sure that I have anything to say. I feel so defeated. I lost everything I held dear(well almost everything) and with all that frustration comes tiredness, and with the overwhelming tiredness, it appears that I am just shutting down from inside out, waiting for whatever is left to pass by.

The first quarter wasn’t all that bad. I had family all around and supporting me. I have friends step in and be the most exceptional that they can be, and I am forever grateful. I have a housemate now, my ma calls me at least twice every day, and my pa calls me at least twice a week. I found myself in the hostel more times than I normally would, and somehow, I always receive the strength to show up at school and participate. To be truthful, God has been good, He has been so good to me. And for that I am grateful.
Kindly replace the months mentioned with the months in the first quarter.
Source: Pinterest
As I mentioned earlier, all I can do now is take one day at a time because that is the only option, and as we start the second quarter of 2022, I am carrying my broken and battered self, I am resting my defeated self on the hilt of my sword, I am looking at my adversary in the face and I am refusing to accept defeat. My psychiatrist told me I need to fight for my mind, she told me I look like a fighter, and she is right. I am a fighter. I am resilient, no matter how many times I fall, no matter how defeated I look, I am reminded I am more than a conqueror and that means I will keep going until I win. One day at a time.

How did your first quarter go? I would love to know. 
Please leave a comment below or send a mail to theestherian@gmail.com.
Also, subscribe to our newsletter.

With Love,
The Estherian

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Effectiveness Of Fear

-
Image
Some days, I struggle to come up with what to write, which idea is worth exploring or what to talk about. Other days, the idea hits me like a freight train going at maximum speed. And this is one of those ideas. Photo credit: Mikhail Nilov Source: pexels.com  I don't know if you know that I live in the South-Eastern part of Nigeria, or if you are aware of the sit-at-home order every Monday imposed on the region by IPOB. The sit-at-home order has been on since August 2021, and towards the end of the year, it became sort of inconsequential. Although I avoided leaving my immediate environs on Mondays, I sometimes go out to visit friends or run errands. When the new year came around, I truly believed that the sit-at-home was over, and I was not the only one with that train of thought, what we didn't know was that whoever gave that order had put measures in place to ensure we complied and that brings me to my story for today. After talking with a few friends and classmates,  we dec...
Read more

Today, I Turn 21

-
Image
I would like to start by stating that I stole the title from a note that inspired me to put this up. Source: Weheartit.com I am aware that I am a collection of different people, ideas and inspiration, and maybe I am not an original, but it does not take away from the fact that the collection of all that makes me, well me, is a unique and somewhat original pattern and in the vastness of the universe and the depth of my insignificance, I am here, and I am leaving my mark. You see, I have always been afraid of the next day and I always thought there were a few things I needed to have that would make life a lot better; love, a partner, being the best student, and I chased after this blindly not caring what became of me. I believed if I at least had these things, I am going to have a chance. I am happy to announce I don't have any of that as I turn 21, at least not in the way I imagined. I have had quite a detour in life, learning the things I didn't consider important. And if there...
Read more

An adventure called Friendship: What I have learnt

-
Image
The Passion Translation Growing up, I was always indoors and it kinda made me a bit reserved and shy. It didn't help the fact that I am introverted and could not make friends quite easily. A  friend means different thing to different people, so I want to break down all the people I refer to as my friends into categories, permit me, I always fall into the trap of placing people into boxes. The people that I meet and relate to on a surface level due to a common ground or interest. The people I have around or those that see me around and all we share is one or two nice words and we have no common interest or nothing whatsoever. The people who know me and we talk to each other a lot, we share similar interest, ideals and just about anything. The people that know almost everything about me, likes and dislikes, almost the same set of beliefs and we do things together. They are my go-to people for advice and we face life together. They are my real gees. Finally, there are those that we us...
Read more