Random Thoughts On A Cold Day
 |
| Source: pexels.com |
(I)
It is crazy the way things turn out.
And it is refreshing at the end of the day when you settle into serendipity. I have been having conversations with myself, and I have been trying my best to be gentle with my soul. In all honesty, she needs it.
As often as I can, I try to take a walk through my memories and listen to the things I might have missed, I replay situations now that the emotions have drained out, and I review cases and scenarios now that the grip of anxiety has passed away, I try not to hold on way too tight to what should have been, and I am learning to love myself with grace and space, I am learning to love myself in the stillness that is left, with broken relationships and heartbreak. The funny thing is that in trying to love someone in the wake of their absence, I didn’t realize I refused to love myself for the way things turned out.
I try to dissect broken relationships and friendships, especially the ones that fell away in the past months, and I am ashamed to say it was because I was unwell. I took all the blame, told myself I should have done better communicating, told myself I should have reached out a lot more, told myself I should have fought the lies and thoughts that suggested otherwise, and the truth is this, I was sick. I was mentally sick, and I couldn't do all I needed to do. So it wasn't my fault, and as much as I want to take responsibility for all that went wrong, maybe it is time I admitted it to myself, I was sick and did do the best I could then. And it is OK if they refuse to see things that way, I just have to love myself in the stillness.
(IV)
The day I decided to accept the way things are, was the day I played Lil Wanye's how to love, over again. That song for some reason comforts me, it reminds me that loving people and their choice to walk away from me is not my fault, it is never my fault. I thought that I would be content with the way all things ended, I thought I was going to accept the inevitable. And it was a long journey, I accepted what happened at the same time I heard a little whisper in my head, you will never be satisfied.
(V)
So now, I need something to love, nurture and care for, something I am sure would not one day decide to walk away, something that would also be capable of making me feel loved. My career might be fulfilling, but I am sure it won't satisfy me. And every situation I find myself in right now feels like something is missing, something I can't quite place my finger on. I don't know if this is a pointer to something being wrong, but it gets tiring trying to figure out what is missing.
(VI)
Also, my roommate is going to be leaving soon, and I don’t look forward to that happening, I don't want to be alone again, and I can't even tell myself I would be OK this time when she leaves. I wasn't OK living with myself before she came, and I don’t think I would be when she leaves. I don't know if I am getting better, someday I feel great and other days I feel miserable. It is not helping that we are approaching the colder months and I naturally feel low during this time of the year.
(VII)
One thing I tried to be conscious of in the past months is how to live with people. I have been told I might be challenging to live with, and I want to change that perception. Living with someone for the past months has been a lot of fun. Now that our time together is coming to an end, it seems like maybe this is not worth it. I feel like everything ends disastrously for me, and I am doing my best not to allow my subconscious to accept this as the norm.
Finally, I want a dog. I want something I can care for and be obsessed over. I heard pets can help boost your body's serotonin production. On the other side of the coin, puppies can be expensive and secondly, I don't think I can properly train a puppy.
May in some countries is Mental Health Awareness month.
For the UK, the theme for the Mental Health Awareness week that ran from Monday 9 May till Sunday 15 May 2022 is loneliness. I told a few people after being diagnosed with Anxiety disorder in a depressive mood with psychosomatization, and I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia (fear of unfamiliar spaces) that I don’t want to make my brand be about mental health. And I have been battling with my mental health and have been on medication since February, and I didn’t know how to talk about what has happened to me.
I was encouraged to start going out again and interacting with people because it is supposed to help me get better, and for the past two months, I have been going to church with Diri, slowly desensitizing myself and easing my anxiety. He had told me on Saturday that he would be late to church, and when it was getting closer to the sermon, I expected him to be there already. I kept looking at the door, waiting for him to show up, and I didn’t see him. I felt so alone and had a panic attack, but it was funny that it happened during worship, and crying during worship is quite normal. I was in distress throughout the rest of the church service, and when I finally saw him, I was out for blood. I was angry and scared, I told him he promised me I was not going to be alone, and he left me alone.
I am sharing this story because, I am still scared of being alone, and loneliness is a big mental stressor. I want to get better, and yet it feels like I am taking one step forward and two steps backwards. I still have panic attacks, I am struggling to identify my triggers and the only one I have found is being susceptible to panic attacks when I am exhausted. I shared a few thoughts with you just to let you see what can be on my mind at certain times.
Pay attention to your mental health, reach out to people and seek professional health if needed.
I will share the bible verse the psychiatrist gave me when I saw her with shaky hands, tears running down my face and struggling to breathe because I was anxious.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 6-7 (NKJV)
Comments
Post a Comment