Redefining Relationship

Hello,

It has been a while since I have been able to put something up here. I have been battling writer’s block for the past weeks, and I am happy to announce that block has been transformed into a stepping stone, of sorts. For one, it has helped me pass the need of having to write about “feelings and stuff”. Well, I have written something this week, and I hope you enjoy reading it. 

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Romantic relationships seem to always follow the same pattern; you meet someone you are attracted to, you get to know the person, you fall in love and if you are lucky, you get married, have children and spend the rest of your life together figuring out the rest. If you are unlucky, the relationship sinks and you decide to try again. I am sure the way I put it doesn’t necessarily sound appealing, but that is the expected trajectory of romantic relationships. Although a lot of people luck out and have amazing relationships and marriages, the rest of us get to stay in a corner saying our "God When" or asking ourselves if we truly want to go down that path. And with such a path, there is a need to see romantic relationships that end in marriage as the ultimate thing because you finally have a new family recognized by society and the law, you now have to reprioritize your life and your other relationship, and assume the traditional gender roles. I will assume you have heard cases where romantic partners demand or rather expect to be the most important thing to their respective partners and they try to control the type of friends their partners have, the places their partners can go and the subtle way they want to control the lives of their partners. It seems like romantic relationships are built in such a way that it expects the persons in them to have their lives revolve around and serve that relationship, that love equals possession. I want a life that is so different from the ordinary, an unconventional life, and one thing that I have not been able to fully understand is relationships.

I saw a video by Khadija Mbowe on YouTube the other day, and she mentioned something that caught my attention and has ultimately led to this mini-essay. She mentioned something that got me thinking, and that is relationship anarchy. Relationship Anarchy -coined by Andie Nordgren- suggests how a relationship should be structured with the ultimate goal of alleviating all elements of control, ownership, and power within romantic relationships. Its main focus is on creating relationships that break away from the conventional structure of relationships in our society. Now, as a person that is not a big fan of conventional, it is easy to see how this caught my attention. In the short instructional manifesto written by Andie Nordgren, there are eight points to note; 1) Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique, 2) Love and respect instead of entitlement, 3) Find your core set of relationship values, 4) Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you, 5) Build for the lovely unexpected, 5) Fake it til’ you make it, 6) Trust is better, 7) Change through communication and 8) Customize your commitments. You can look up the manifesto if you are interested to see the explanation of each point. I find a few of the points pretty interesting, and I will say a little something about the ones that I agree with. I should mention that this is not an endorsement of relationship anarchy. So here is a  kind reminder to always sift through things, and find what works well for you and is in line with your purpose.

Love and respect instead of entitlement.

I feel this explains itself well enough, although I believe that this is often overlooked in romantic relationships. People always feel a certain way about their partners and demand certain things from them, not minding if it is something they can give you then. It is human to be selfish and in relationships, we sort of become entitled to a lot of things, our partner’s time, affection, and attention. And maybe it is time to stop being entitled to those things. Yes, it is fine to always get your partner's attention, but be respectful enough to understand that there would be times when other things would take them away. Respect each other’s boundaries. Learn to love with grace and space, and learn to love people when you can’t get what you want from them at the time you want it. Appreciate the things you receive from your partner because it helps you enjoy those things. Say thank you for the time, for the gifts, for the hugs, for spending that extra five minutes to make sure you are alright.

Find your core set of relationship values.

What do you stand for as a person? Where do you want to be? Who do you hope to be? 

It is vital that you know these things and you have boundaries that define these things. Find people that share the same values as you and understand that you don’t have to let go of what you hold dear to you just to prove that you love someone or want to be with them. 

Customize your commitments.

Are you scared of commitment? I am, but you should probably answer that. 

I am scared of the concept of forever, I probably don’t want children, I want to travel the world, but I don’t want to do life alone. So this is what appeals to me, the concept of being about to decide what you want to commit to based on you, i.e. your strength and weakness. The fact that you can be in a relationship where both of you see each other as individuals on the same team, where you can grow together and become the most actualised version of yourselves. A relationship that you can always level up when you both feel secure to do so without pressure sounds surreal.

There are a few things that I don’t accept with the concept itself because I couldn’t reconcile it with my beliefs, but I learnt one interesting thing from reading that short manifesto, and that is I would like to have a relationship that is free from the “should” and “ought to”. I am going to redefine the type of relationships that I want henceforth, and I would be borrowing a thing or two from relationship anarchy.  

So what do you think?

Let me know in the comment below or you can send a mail to theestherian@gmail.com.

Also check out Other People's Shoes Podcast on Spotify, Anchor or Google Podcast or the podcast page for more info. 

Do have a wonderful week.

With Love, 

The Estherian💛