Companionship

Photo Credit: Tatiana
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It is another weekend, and nothing out of the ordinary is happening to me. 

See weekend as I remember, is one of the few times you get to be with your significant other, away from the stress of the weekday, that is, if you are not living together. You get to do a couple's activities together, let’s say see a movie together, cuddle, or travel to a different state. But for some reason, me not having a man being the main one, I haven’t had this type of weekend in a long while. After asking myself these three questions; 1) How long does it take for a girl to move from a broken heart to a new relationship? 2) How much commitment can I give to the new relationship? And 3) How long can I make what I want last? I think I have an idea of what I am looking for, and permit me to walk you through it.

If you have read my piece on redefining relationships, you will realise that I mentioned a few things that stood out to me in the relationship anarchy instructional manifesto. I have tried to take some time to figure out how I can walk around fitting those into the next relationship I want to be in and hopefully answer the questions I asked myself. My deepest fear is to be alone, like utterly alone. The solution to that is having a companion and by a companion, I mean a romantic partner. I should announce that I am looking for a relationship except I am not looking for something as intense as a full-blown romantic relationship because who am I kidding, I don’t think I have the strength for that. I want someone to do life with and at the same time, I want us to be freed from the “shoulds” and “ought tos” of romantic relationships. And for the above reason, I am suggesting companionship. I know this is not an original word but flow with me on this one.  

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The basic foundation of our relationship is to always be there for each other for as much as we both can. That means we get to do a lot of things with each other, like spend weekends like I stated, travel the world together, build our careers and support each other without the stress of having to live with each other permanently. We get to be in our comfortable corners, but find a way to make our worlds revolve in the same orbit. We get to have the same core set of relationship values. One of them is, that I am monogamous, and I love an exclusive kind of relationship. Marriage doesn’t feature in my plans for my 20s, and I am still in my early 20s. I most likely do not want kids, and I am serious about my career, both as a storyteller and a doctor, as I am with travelling the world. Yeah, you must like these things. I don’t want to be with anyone that is quite comfortable using the silent treatment to settle conflict or is passive-aggressive, which means that if something is going wrong, we have to be comfortable with those uncomfortable conversations. Don’t worry I understand people needing time to think things through. Again, I am learning to love in the stillness, with space and grace.

 

I am scared of commitment and vulnerability. I have got my heart broken more times than I would love to, so it is going to take a longer time for me to ease into any relationship or form any sort of connection. I understand both are essential to any long-lasting relationship, so if you don’t mind, we are going to have to take this as slow as we can, and you would need to hold my hand a lot more than you would like to. I can’t say if it would be worth it but one thing I know is that I am an awesome company, if you don’t believe me, I have a few people you can ask. Another tiny thing, we might struggle with paying bills and all that because I believe relationships should be a two-way thing and I love a healthy competition when it comes to giving. I am always going to try to outdo you. One small note here, I used to fall in love quite easily, and I don’t know if that is still a thing. In order not to find ourselves in a weird state, we get to talk about everything, including feelings.

In a previous version of this, I had a list of what I was looking for in a potential partner and right now, I just want to summarise. Aside from being tall, dark, and handsome, you have to be kind and be creative (writer, poet, storyteller, photographer, artist, tech bro - writing codes counts-, e.t.c) either part-time or full time. You have to be a Christian, either in your final year of university or already working, and you are allowed to be either a year younger or four years older than me. I am sorry, these are sort of non-negotiable. I almost forgot you should be taller than I am and can give perfect bear hugs (all I want is to be held and soothed). You can always learn how to give better hugs so that shouldn’t be a problem. 

Did I mention you should know how to cook? I don't mean instant noodles. I long for days when we would be cooking together in the kitchen. Just a side to this, I hope we never get to a place where cooking becomes someone's job or be with someone who expects a woman to be domesticated. Of course, you should be funny and empathetic, a great conversationalist, have excellent music taste and be willing to write essays about how important I am to you.

Even though I am in my early 20s, I need to say I feel so old already.  So if you can’t dress well and appropriately, smoke or drink excessively, use illicit substances, bet or gamble, have terrible anger issues that you have no plan of working on, or believe a man and a woman are not equals, please stay away from me. Finally, you should be willing to share your dreams, aspirations, struggles, fears and T-shirts with me, and not withhold your forgiveness from me whenever I do something out of line. 

Photo Credit: Taryn Elliott
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The most important thing here is this, we can give it a try, and if it doesn’t work out, we don’t have to remain friends. For this reason, my close male friends are not worthy candidates (if we only talk once in three months, then it is fine). I learnt recently that unrequited love and close friendship don’t go hand in hand. 

How long do you want this to last, you might ask? For as long as possible. I won’t say forever because that sounds terrifying, and I know that down this path, we might be forced to review our stance and discuss the way forward. But then again, who said we can’t build for the lovely unexpected? If you need anything else to ponder on while you make your decision, think of how exciting it would be for both of us to laze around on a beach in the UAE, or get to visit Mauritius. And if that is too expensive, what about taking a ride together at night, just talking about how wonderful it is that we get to find each other. 

Last night I woke the f*ck up,

I realised I need you here, as desperate as that sounds.

Jon Bellion, Woke the F*ck up.

So what do you think? I tried to make this as light-hearted as I could get, so I guess it is up to you to decide if I am being serious or not. Please leave your thoughts in the comment below, or send a mail to me at theestherian@gmail.com. Don’t forget to check out our podcast, Other People’s Shoes Podcast. For more info on that, please check the podcast page.

With Love,

The Estherian💛