Throwback Thursday: Monument

Written: 12 August 2021

Photo Credit: Ian Beckley
Source: pexels.com

And you became a monument to all my insecurities.

The truth is this, we don't know each other.

We see each other on the way out of class or towards the end of lectures in this string of never-ending misery or stress. We are alike, I believe, as we both are far removed from our place of comfort and are in the midst of people with a different language, culture and possibly, way of life. Maybe it is just me seeing you and always looking for ways to strike up a conversation because if anyone could understand the way I feel, it is going to be you. We are the wildcard, the unusual and maybe the unknown.

But the thing is, we revolved around the periphery of each other's lives, and you have more impact on mine than I believe I have on yours. You became everything I hoped to be, and you got everything I wanted to have and even more. You made my struggles feel so useless because it appears like you had it so easy, and I can never have what you had. We both made friends when we got here, and while my friend had to leave, yours remained here with you to this day. I failed at the beginning, as you went through at your first trial. 

The man I loved left me for you and I couldn’t understand why. What do you have, what did you do and what exactly made you so special that I could only be at the edge and dream while you got it quite easily because that is how it appears to me.

Even the friends I made that I thought were my second chance at this somehow became friends with you, and I can assure you that it is not out of spite that I am becoming closer to your friend. The thing is, anytime I look at what I want, where I hope to be and the things I wish to have, you already have it and everything I count as a shortcoming, you have become a monument to remind me that it is attainable, but maybe it is I that can never get it or there.

My friends say that I hate you and every time I try to tell them that I don't, I mean how can I possibly hate someone that has the semblance of all that I long for, the right word though, envy and anger, mostly at myself because I know that envy is wrong.

I mean, how can someone who doesn't consider your existence affect you more than all the people that continue to consciously affect your inner-verse?

How can someone be so out of reach and yet still leaves you downtrodden because they make all your struggle look like a walk in the park?

And I wonder most time if you cherish the things you have the way they ought to be loved.

If you understand that you are a level unattainable to me?

 

I wrote this sometime last year while I was reflecting on how I felt about someone and it sat in my archive for almost a year.  Last Wednesday, I got the courage to share this with her and now, you all get to see this too.

What do you think?

Do you want to see more random pieces like this that never got sent out? Let me know in the comments below or send a mail to theestherian@gmail.com. 

With Love,

The Estherian💛