Random Notes

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LONGING
It is longing. A want to hold on to a love you once knew.
Dabira.
Photo Credit: cottonbro
Source: pexels.com
I know I have felt love before, that I have been in love before, and it is so much different from infatuation or lust. I have felt those before too, and that helped me understand that there is a difference. 

I have had the all-consuming passionate love that burnt me inside out and I have had the slow embers that got snuffed out. Above all, I have fallen in love with men that had no intention of loving me back.

I find myself trying to return to those days and those men, not because I want to go through the pain again, but because I want to hold on to love again.

I want the soft burn. I want the sighs and awwns. I want the lightness that comes with it, the vulnerability to someone else and the thoughts of returning home to someone.

I long for love because I am convinced I have lost it and it will take a long time to get it back.

Photo Credit: Enes Bayraktar
Source: pexels.com

KINDNESS
To kindness and love, the things we need the most.
Grinch
One thing I never consider myself as is a kind person, not because I can't be, but because I find it hard to reconcile how unkind I have been with what true kindness is.

You must know that being nice is far from kindness. If you are on the receiving side of a nice person, it is a bit difficult to tell the two apart, but stepping out of their grace, is when you see the difference. 

Maybe like attracts like, because just as I have been deeply unkind, I have been in contact with similarly unkind people. And it hurts but it helped me see that I don't want to be nice, or be just a great guy, or a thoughtful friend. 

It is a struggle, though, to be kind. I mean a genuine and intrinsic kindness to someone I have known forever and to a stranger on the way home.

I don't want some superficial niceness just because the person I am extending such kindness to is a friend or because of what I stand to gain from it. I have been on the receiving end of unkindness, some meted on me by people I once loved and others by myself. 

With the events of this year, all I strive to be is kind. The world needs a lot of kind people in it, and I am learning to be one. 


Happy new month darlings.
Welcome to August, my birth month. I know I haven't been writing here as often as I used to. But don't worry, you can still hear from me on the Other People's Shoes Podcast. Check the podcast page for more info. 

You can also reach me via mail at theestherian@gmail.com.
With love,
The Estherianđź’›

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