04: Penance

Let me start with this: there are some days you start writing with the perfect vibe, and the start of this essay is one of them. I am currently listening to Lagbaja on shuffle, and there is something his voice and the background talking drum are doing to me. I will be sure to let you know the next time I start writing along to such a perfect vibe. By the way, did you know that there is a Lagbaja bop with Fela? I know it is plausible, but it felt so random.

Photo credits: Mehmet Turgut Kirkgoz
Source: pexels.com

Last Thursday, I had to go to the hostel to pick up some materials that I bought, and I went to the end of a long and exhausting round. I got a call on my way to the hostel that the last bus to Old Site was loading, and if I wasn't there then, I was sure to miss it. I went with a group mate, and on our way to the park to try out our luck, we happened upon another classmate that was driving back into town. The groupmate called this person, and he came back to pick us up. Immediately I stepped into his car, I could tell he was upset with me, and he was quick to say why. He said he once greeted me, and I didn’t respond. I was mortified. 

I'd seen this person around; after all, we were classmates, but I never imagined he'd greet me one day. I am sure if I had seen him waving at me, I would have assumed he was waving at someone behind me, not me. And I apologised as much as I could, and I was embarrassed throughout the ride back to town. I am not sure I ever want to face this person again or share a ride with him becauuuse…

That embarrassing ride would end up buttressing a thought that I was ruminating on. 

I have noticed a subtheme in my life's journey up to this point that I need to end, you know, turn into an overdrawn redemption arc, and that is that I tend to punish myself a lot. And no, I wasn't punished a lot as a child. I can count the number of times my parents punished me on one hand. 

I only recently learned how to give myself grace for my shortcomings, tell myself it happens to the best of us, and allow myself to move away from things. But that doesn't solve the problem because unless I actively look for the signs, I'm still unconsciously punishing myself.

One of the major driving forces behind this has to be when I find myself falling short of the idea of who I am supposed to be or when I struggle with what I have been taught to be morally acceptable. I am not sure how well to explain this, but any time I find myself doing something that I have been told all my life is wrong, I punish myself for it even if the said thing makes me happy. Or when I set a standard for myself and fall short of that standard, I punish myself for it. At times, I find myself recruiting others to do this. For instance, while I was still doing freelance work, I was unable to meet a deadline because I was overwhelmed with a lot of work. By the time I was done and sent the article across, I asked the person not to pay me because I wanted to better learn discipline. 

And there are subtle ways this idea of paying penance for every perceived wrongdoing comes into play: remaining in toxic situations because I made a terrible decision and must somehow suffer the consequence of my action. I refuse to speak up because I have already made a mistake and must now swallow whatever is thrown at me, even if it is incorrect and unfair. 

Another driving force of this subtheme is shame. Not just shame, but the inability to recognise that my reaction to certain things is borne out of shame. And whenever I realised that I am ashamed of something or have been shamed for something, I begin to punish myself for that. 

The thing here is this: I am tired of paying penance. I am tired of punishing myself for my mistakes, for my flaws, and for doing things that are against my fundamental upbringing. And this is going to be something I will be adding to my to-do list for the year. 

 

I am not sure how much sense this made, but I hope it made a bit of sense.

This is going to be the third week of me being off Whatsapp, and the experience has been what I expected it to be. The other question of how much impact that would have on my mental health is not something I can answer. 

P.s. I hope you got the becauuuse joke. 

Until next time,

The Estherian💛💛