06: Wants and Desires
An Attempt At Putting My Longings Into Words And Leaving Them Where I Believe I Have Found A Voice.
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| Photo Credit: Elia pexels.com |
I enjoy telling her what is up while I try to figure out what is going on with myself. It usually helps. I have learnt that it is easier managing whatever is in front of me when I can say what feels wrong and name it. Everything suddenly becomes less overwhelming once I can talk about it. And that is why I love to talk about stuff bothering me, not because I love to complain but because saying it out loud to my hearing removes the power or the hold whatever is going on has on me.
Towards the end of last year, I found myself in a space I couldn't figure out how to handle. Honestly, I didn't want to put any time or effort into figuring it out because of the circumstances that surrounded that situation. I had a lover (for the sake of this narration, I would call him 23) that was good to me, but I noticed he was pulling away from me for whatever reasons. He wasn't forthcoming with any. We were not in a committed relationship, and it wasn't a situationship either, we knew what we were to each other, and we were consenting to that arrangement. The complexities of our arrangement didn't give allowance for deep knowing or trying to understand the lore of each other, but we had a system of sorts, and we knew how to work things out. He cared for and respected me. He knew how to cater to my mental health and is great company.
But the space I was in was messing with my head.
The first thing was that I felt expendable due to the nature of our persons and the arrangement we put ourselves in. There is so much you can do to prevent reality from breaking into the illusions you have created for yourself, and it is a dire thing to wish your illusions are stronger than reality.
The second thing was that I began to long for something that I wasn't sure I could get from 23, something I wasn't sure I could allow myself to want, something that felt too good for me to accept could be true.
Talk about God's strongest soldiers.
Back to my conversation with Naza.
In an attempt to reduce my contact with others and also enjoy solitude, I decided to leave WhatsApp for an extended period. I told a few people about it, including 23. He has been checking in with me every Monday via text. I was in limbo because I was yet to figure out how to communicate with him going forward. I told Naza that I was uncomfortable with the messages because firstly it is text, and with text, there is so much room for miscommunication.
Secondly, there is already a strain on our communication and I wasn't sure if the text should be taken in good faith or not. It's not like I wanted the text to stop, I needed it to be an actual conversation and not feel like an automated text or something he feels obligated to do. But I don't know how to communicate this and I am convinced he wouldn't pick my call.
That brought us to a point and I had to answer the question posed, "Oluwaseyi, what do you want?"
It isn't that I am not certain of what I want, the problem was that I wasn't equipped to handle it, especially in the past year. I have a trail of failed attempts at relationships that have chipped away at something, or a lot of things if we are being honest. It has made me give up on the idea that I can love someone else deeply again. So I would have to learn what love was, in the romantic sense. I have friends and family that love and care about me, and as I have written on my board at my apartment, there is love at home.
I started toying with the idea of being romantically involved with someone again because I was tired of not feeling like home. I told 23 that I felt like a rented apartment; people come in, take up space, care for me until they stop caring, become toxic and finally leave. They always leave me a mess. I was tired of people leaving and I also feared committing to being home to someone when there is no assurance they plan to stay.
But the time I spent with him reminded me how much of a romantic I was, I began to thaw as the days we spent together became longer. I knew I was in trouble when I became so giddy whenever he came around, or when I became so childlike with him. I am not saying this to paint 23’s relationship with me as perfect, but it was great until it woke a longing inside of me. And by the time he started to pull away, I had to remind myself that I might not find what I was looking for with him.
I had a conversation with J, who has a unique outlook towards finding a romantic partner. He is convinced that amazing life partners are born out of great friendships. He mentioned that I should try diversifying my social portfolio when I told him I was looking towards dating again. He told me; “one person can’t be everything to you, you need to find other people to exist with (paraphrased)”. He also explained the importance of finding someone that understands me. I realised months after that conversation that I forgot to ask if I should diversify my social portfolio before looking for a partner or if I should do both simultaneously.
So what do I want?
I want to belong somewhere, with people that I can call home. I also want to be someone’s home.
I am entering into a new phase of my adult life in a few months and the thought of all that is overwhelming. I don’t want to do it on my own. I want to go into this with someone that will be there for a long time. I want someone to grow with, especially now that I would soon be at another starting point.
I want reassurance that I am not doing this life alone. And this person that has decided to do life with me is doing it out of their free will, not because they are family. I want someone to know love with. I also want to be part of someone’s growth, to be privileged to be a part of someone’s life and story.
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