09: Trust and Caution

The first quarter of the year has come to an end, and we are moving forward into the second quarter. It was in the first quarter that I heard you have to be steady, but you need not be slow to win the race. After all, if the Hare had been steadily focused on the race, he would have won the Tortoise hands down. Maybe that is the moral of the story.

I, on the other hand, have not been either fast or steady; instead, I have been still, like a deer that heard a sound in the forest. And most days I am stuck in that apprehension, that wait for the other shoe to drop, that wait for something to go wrong, alert on the tip of my toes, at my wits’ end, waiting desperately for something, anything, to go wrong. I feel like I am in the calm before a storm. I don’t know how to rest or be calm, and what is even more frustrating is that every time the other shoe drops, I do absolutely nothing about it. I am already exhausted by the time that happens.

I was away from Whatsapp for about eight weeks, and during my time away, I dreaded returning. I dreaded all that could go wrong, the number of messages I would have to reply to, but when I installed WhatsApp again, there were a lot of messages, alright, but none I wanted to see. So I deleted WhatsApp for the second time this year, installed it again, and registered it with a new number. And this time, I made sure to message only the people I wanted to remain in communication with and my class group chat. I have also decided not to give out this number to anyone else.

I believe I have seen everyone I promised to visit or promised a visit to my place, and that should be all. I am no longer accepting visitors.

I have been pondering something recently. 

I mentioned in my last post that I believe my defenses have been strengthened in the past months and that it seems like I am on the ever cautious side, which I don't like. I have always had an idea of what my friendship with people would look like, I always pictured my people, and seeing that I constantly fail on all fronts has exhausted me to the point where I feel I need to always look over my shoulder. It has led me to a point where all I do is assume bad faith. I used to be very naive and trusting, and I prided myself on the fact that the outside world and my experiences would not change the person I saw myself as. Guess what they say is true, you either die young or live long enough to be the very thing you hated.

I find it hard to trust people, and I hate that. I hate that I have to second guess everything and everyone, I hate that I have to pretend that I trust people. I hate that when you come close enough you would see it, you would see that I’m struggling, the lack of finesse, and the difficulty in everything. Human interactions have chosen to be my greatest undoing, and it sucks.

And I crave this so much, I am desperate for the kind of friendship I want, for that wholesome kind of friendship and relationship. I hate that my desperation ruins everything and opens me up to people who would pretend until they couldn’t any longer. Desperation is a sick thing. I hate what I have become because of it.

Again, I feel the need to say that I am lucky to have found some amazing humans that make my life a lot better; they are my bundle of sunshine, but every time I say that I don’t think that is enough, it seems like a betrayal to all they have been. The gaping hole that used to be my heart is not getting any smaller.

Some part of me is asking me to pray, to ask Jesus to fill that hole in my heart, and she might be right. Then again, it seems like for every step I take forward, it appears like I have taken two steps backward. But I have not given up on that front. Not at all.

I noticed that there is a recurring theme in the few things I wrote in the past months, and that theme is longing. I long for a place to belong. And not just belong somewhere and lose every sense of being, where I can’t have a differing thought, where I can’t ask questions, but a place where I can come into the fullness of my being and person, a place where I can be and live as my most authentic self, and I don’t know how to find it. 

I constantly find myself hiding parts of myself because I am convinced that no one wants everything that I am, and boy am I right about that. Everyone seems to have something they don’t like in me, something they don’t want to tolerate, or a part of my being that is completely against their morals and values, and I get tired of people constantly wanting me to suddenly become better than I already am. I am not saying that people have to deal with the terrible parts of me, but I can’t keep moving at other people’s pace, forcing myself to reach every goal they have set out for me, and finding out the finish line is a mirage. 

But then again, I am not sure how the pacing is supposed to be.

How do you belong to people you can’t trust with all that you are? 

How do you belong when you have become a bundle of frayed nerves? 

The first quarter ended with me being sad, like sad on March 31st, not sad every day of Q1, and drained. And I have no idea what the second quarter is going to look like or what to look forward to. It looks bleak from where I am. 

I hope things begin to get better in the next quarter, and I pray that whatever comes our way, we become strong enough to come out unscathed on the other side.

Until next time,

The Estherian💛💛