10: Notes from a struggling adult.

Maybe it does get better.

Photo Credit: Fidan Nazim Qizi
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I.

Last Thursday night, Naza joined me for a stroll. She was yet to decide what to eat when she saw me, and when I told her I wanted to get bread, she decided to get the bread with me. And that has been our game plan in the past few weeks, we take a stroll and buy whatever comes to mind for dinner, be it fried yam, pap, bread, or even biscuits.

On our way back, we were chatting about things in general, and I remembered that a friend's induction was the next day, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it. "Why?" you ask. Medical school is the correct answer. It was our unit's surgery day, and I have no idea how that was going to turn out. So because of the uncertainty of the day, I needed to send him a message to inform him of the likelihood of missing his day.

He was quite understanding, and I was relieved.

I ended up being unable to get to the induction, and I kind of got knocked out when I got home that Friday. I remember waking up to lock my doors and by the time I woke up again, it was 4:30am on Saturday. 

II.

2019 was the year I wrote my 2nd MbBs examination, the year I had to write a resit in Anatomy and also the year I met someone who would become my second favourite person in the world. 2022 was the year I ended that friendship, a friendship I thought would last forever. Since then, I found myself struggling with that decision and how to move forward with the awkwardness of the proximity, i.e., postings and school. It was almost impossible not to run into each other. 

The last set of lectures for 2022 had me pretending all was well while I held my breath. I was aware of his presence, aware of him talking, and aware of him generally being a part of my class. But I learnt how to not have a conversation with him. I learnt how to keep talking when he comes close.

Last Tuesday, after a stressful ward round, I went to pick up my bag from one of the wards where I left it because carrying your bag throughout rounds is not compatible with life. He was sitting beside my bag, and for the first time, I was able to not acknowledge his presence. And in not acknowledging his presence, I made my peace with ending that friendship.

III.

In a prior version of this, I was going to avoid talking about friendship and the longing for human interactions because it has become a recurring theme. I wasn't sure how I was going to put it.

During my WhatsApp break, I was using Telegram for group project meetings and also reached out to a few friends. I realized that I was always anxiously waiting for a reply when I saw the blue ticks, so I turned off the read recipient. When I reinstalled WhatsApp, I knew I had to keep the read recipient for my messages and status off. I realised that not knowing if my message was read brought peace.

Another thing I told myself this year was that I was going to be a bad friend. So, I have not been reaching out to people as much as I used to and I am not bothered about people not reaching out to me. It has ultimately changed the way I see my friends. For one, the burden of keeping those friendships going is no longer on me. So if no one reaches out, it is because they don't want to, and I won't needlessly keep pouring where I am not needed.

Maybe deciding to be a bad friend and owning it is one of the singular best things I have done for myself all year.

IV.

At the beginning of this year, someone made a comment that I still can't get out of my head. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because it felt like the truth since it was coming from someone I spent a lot of time with last year.

The person either said I was always miserable or I read it that way. And till now, I find myself struggling with that. It doesn't help that the last time the person came around, I felt miserable. So I did what I am learning to do; if it won't matter in 6 months, it shouldn't matter now. And with every moment I felt miserable or frustrated with this person, I just told myself, six months down the line, none of this would even matter.

Also, I didn't say anything because I didn’t think I was all that to this person. I reckon that I tried voicing my discomfort at some point but he wasn't interested in what I had to say. So I asked myself, what would voicing out my discomfort change in the grand scheme of things? I don't know, and I wasn't willing to find out.

I think it is a terrible thing to do.

I am tired of grasping things that are constantly out of my reach, and one of them was being in the same mental space or page as this person. I might never be as happy as this person wants me to be regardless of his efforts, and I just had to accept that and move away from it.

V.

I remember a night in 2019, I was in a friend's room and we were talking about something I can't remember but I guess it was something that was supposed to help us understand each other better.

I remember I said in between tears that everyone leaves, and the people who are yet to leave are still here because of what they wanted from me.

He asked me what I thought he wanted, and when I told him I didn't know, he reassured me that people were going to be in my life because they wanted to, not because they wanted something from me, and he was here and going nowhere.

Maybe he didn’t say the "going nowhere" part, because we are no longer friends. And I need to revert to that simple understanding that; everyone leaves, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Maybe there is one thing I can do about it.

Stop being so miserable when it happens.

VI.

One thing I needed to acknowledge was the pace at which I did things. The pace at which I understood things and the ease of working at this pace.

Everyone wanted something from me at different times and at the pace they felt was necessary for me to reach them. Someone wants me to get over depression at his pace because he was putting in effort and needed me to reach him as fast as he wanted.

Another person wants me to get over my heartbreak as soon as I can because she doesn't do this heartbreak thing, and it was such an uncomfortable space for her. 

Another person wants me to be on the same level of dedication and faith, and I am here still struggling with trusting everything around me. 

And with all various paces, I found myself failing, weary, and at my wit’s end. And as a last-ditch effort, I decided to go at my pace, regardless of what comes next. Everyone should keep going as fast as they can. One day, I am sure I will catch up, and if I never do, I can live with that.

It is human to outgrow people and to have people outgrow you, and I don’t mind people realizing they have outgrown me and want to be well ahead on their journey. If I am going to be deadweight, graciously let me go.

VII.

It sucks to be someone who needs constant reassurance, ngl.

It feels like I always arrive at a new thing with someone with a special care label or with a fragile tag. Maybe that's why no one wants to stay. It is easy for them to just look in and decide that it's not going to be their cup of tea. And I think I get it.

But getting it doesn't mean that I know what to do with it. So, I find myself always trying to make up for whatever stress people have to go through whenever they are with me. I keep trying to make sure they know I don't take them lightly, and I don't want them to go.

I have seen people who seek constant reassurance having this reassurance without going through all the mental hurdles that I put myself through and I think it is time to borrow a page from their book. 

VIII.

There are things that I have realized are easier to walk away from; a stressful friendship, an unfulfilling space and maybe a tiring ward round.

Other things are harder to walk away from, especially if those things are what you have done all your lives. The things we were taught are the most important.

There are things I find myself questioning but I am not sure leaving completely is the answer. It is for these things I find myself lingering. I am lingering because it used to make sense, it makes sense now but not as much as it used to.

Life's experience always finds a way to test what you trust and the systems you have built or find yourself as a part of, and it hurts when those things don't translate or come through for you.

Also, belonging to some places is somewhat difficult, but leaving is hard, and lingering is a better option. Maybe it clicks,  maybe it doesn't. And I think it is ok to linger till you figure out what exactly you want.

That's all for now beautiful people.

Until next time,

The Estherian💛💛