13: Longing For Presence

This is going to be chaotic.

I am learning to embrace things that are chaotic because chaos is not as scary as I have always made it out to be. I have been listening to ISWIS podcast episodes in the past weeks, and the chaos there has been delightful.  

The past week has been the most unproductive week I have had in a while, all I have done was sleep, find something to eat and sleep a lot more because what else was there for me to do? The answer is a lot. I am way behind in class and I need to catch up on that. My laundry is piling up and someone has to do it. There is the data collection for my final year project that I am way behind on, but all I have done in the past week was sleep. The sleep has unfortunately not been as refreshing as I expected it to be. I went to bed tired and woke up way more tired than before. 

In my defence, I was battling allergies and later caught a cold and as of the time of this writing, my nose is still blocked. I am also homesick. I had initially planned to go see my parents during the past week but cancelled that trip and now, I think I should have just gone. It was easy for me to justify not going to see my parents because I didn’t want to be behind on school work but at the end of the day, I am still behind without the motivation to get things moving so there is that. 

Last Sunday, during the believer’s circle meeting, someone mentioned how she was looking forward to my induction and that she was going to be decked out to come to join in the celebration.

I told her not to bother about that, I wasn’t interested in celebrating my induction. 

This interaction re-echoed a similar one I had last Wednesday. 

I went to the hostel to buy this mini cake that is only available at their canteen, and I had to wait for a while because they were out when I got there. During the wait, I ran into one of my classmates, whom I haven’t seen this year or spoken to in a long while. She was very happy to see me, and I was equally excited. We had a brief catching up moment, and she asked how I was feeling. 

I told her I couldn’t wait to leave this college. I believe I have lost everything I have learnt to cherish in this college; friendship, community, and sanity, and I am angry I let that happen on my watch. And because of the gruesome process becoming a doctor has been to me, it has stolen the joy of finally being.  The most I would be at the end of this is relieved, and right on my way out of here, as fast as I can. 

It could also be that I have imposed a sort of solitude on myself in a bid to remove the pressure of maintaining friendships and seeking only ease. And at times when I look into the future, it is bleak. A friend mentioned that I am always easing myself into things and he thinks I should just flood myself at this point because easing myself has become the same as not doing anything. I felt so called out but he was right. 

Asides from missing my family and mourning friendships that are never going to be the same again, I miss having someone around. I no longer hang out with my friends, my sister has relocated and I miss her so much. I miss her hugs. I miss having my people around me, I miss physical touch. I once said I hate side hugs because they tease what can be. I still do. I long to feel someone’s presence in my space. I believe I have no one to call.

That’s why I wanted to go home so that I can curl up on my mother’s lap and hug my dad at the airport and have him pat my head every time he walks past me. I miss my dad calling me to his office just because he wants to see his daughter and nothing more. I miss my mum fuzzing over me. And this place no longer feels like home to me. 

On the bright side, Spiderman: Across the Spider-verse is coming out this weekend and I am so excited to go see it at the cinema. I might be seeing it with a friend that is equally a fan of the franchise or I might be seeing it alone. 

Until next time,

The Estherian💛💛

P. S.  I want a lifetime supply of Maltesers.