14: One of those days.

Today counts as one of those days, 

You know, the ones where you have a thousand and one things to do, and you aren’t quite sure where to start, so you hope and pray you figure it out before the deadline. 

What is the deadline, you might ask?

I am not sure. One thing is certain though, the timeline for my final exams is out, and I have concluded my final lectures in Med school - at least officially. I am not panicking which is a good thing but low-key, I feel like I should. 

Hehe.

I am in academic danger. 

Hehe.

And you know what, I am not too excited to exert myself because I got this.

**Sees Neurosurgery past questions**

Hehe.

Serious danger.

Hehe.

I asked someone for their opinion on something that was bothering me, and it was either asking this person or sending a message to FK and Jolla, from the ISWIS Podcast, and the person gave really serious advice that I am going to do my best to follow. The downside to having this conversation is that I realised I haven’t done anything about my fear of uncertainty, and I am not still ready to take a risk. And no, that part did not come up in the conversation.

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and I sent my Dad a Father's Day wish on the family group chat, just before my younger brother did. He then proceeded to sub his parents’ church. I don’t pity him, sha. My older brother’s message came in last. And later in the evening, he sends us a picture of him attending an owambe. My mum was quick to pick up on him not wearing the Owambe colour. The maternal instinct for her children not to look out of place is always active.

I had a phone call with my dad by evening time and we sort of did a bit of catching up on stuff. I remember that I put on my WhatsApp status my best memory of my dad. And that man knows how to show up. Also, he refused to play the strict parent. I believe that the more I see my parents as flawed humans who don’t necessarily have everything figured out, the more I understand and love them and all the sacrifices they have made. 

And I want to make them proud, but not more than my happiness or taking pride in my work. I told them once they would learn to be happy for me because I wasn’t going to put their happiness before mine, and so far, that hasn’t been so much of an issue. I fear that our paths would diverge, and I would have to place myself and my happiness before theirs. I pray that day never comes.

Last Friday, I got to class as early as possible but spent a lot of time outside the class because our lecture hall was being cleaned. In an attempt to pass the time, I ended up having a conversation with a classmate of mine. We have a kind of friendship and I have a level of respect for him. I got an insight into his relationship and learnt the exact moment he knew he was going to marry his partner. No, they aren’t married yet, but I think it is going to be soon. We did the usual class amebo, and I got answers to some questions about some happenings in our class.

In the course of that conversation though, while we spoke about our varying fears of loneliness and the ways we have adapted to deal with it, I let him in on another fear of mine. I fear losing agency. I don’t want anyone making any decision on my behalf ever again. I fear being in a mental state where someone would have to decide on my behalf or believe that what they choose for me is for my good, and I am too incapacitated to see it. 

During our break hour that Friday, most of my classmates went to take a class picture to mark the end of lectures. And I of course didn’t show up. I don’t plan to appear in the class yearbook or leave any picture evidence of my stay here. You can call it a personal vendetta if you must, but that’s the only reason I can give asides, I don’t want to.

June 14th was World Blood Donor’s Day, and I went to donate blood to celebrate the day. That’s my way of giving back to society. It was also on this day I realize how low your blood pressure can become after eating and that I do have random facts in my head. 

Finally, I have a couple of essays that I have started, and I am not sure when I will be returning to finish it. I have decided to create a budget for July and turn my Autosave back on- it has been off for two months now. I also need to create a plan for tackling the upcoming exam.

That would be all for now beautiful people.

Until next time,

The Estherian💛💛