Reflections

-
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Do you see yourself, defined by your past mistakes, or the person you failed to be?
Do you see the future, your most accomplished self?
Do you find reasons to smile, or do you wish everything could just pass?
Do you smile because you are aware that you are right where you are supposed to be and also on the way to something greater?

Diana Smykova
Source: pexels.com
So I moved to a new apartment over the weekend, and I am so excited to finally be out of my former place. With the stress of moving and the frustration of having to deal with the carpenter fixing the shelves and other fittings, I still couldn’t keep the smile off my face. If you think I might have missed a part of this story, you are right. I started working on a post last week when I was supposed to do a check-in for October and also talk about the struggles of house hunting in Enugu state, but the piece wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. So I gave up on it.

But in the process of giving up on that piece, I decided to go through other uncompleted pieces on my laptop, and it was a walk with nostalgia. The first one I saw was a novel I was working on way back in 2017, one of the reasons I opened it was to see how much of a novelist I was. It was bad, so bad. I don’t mean the story, I meant the writing. I could not bring myself to go past the second chapter, and I am sure I have more than 16 chapters already down(a total of about 13,000 words). The second one was a memoir of my days at EAC (Educational Advancement Center), where I did my A-Levels. I stopped writing this memoir just before I started my Cambridge exams, and I am not sure of the reason why, but I guess it was because my laptop got spoiled, and I had no means of writing.  

While I had to give up trying to read the novel, I read the A-Levels memoir to the last entry. I titled it Emotional Advancement Center(EAC), a play on the name of my A-Level Center. One-word summary y’all, messy. It had the drama, the scandal, the Oluwaseyi with anger issues, the fight and a huge potential for a scripted reality TV show or a telenovela. I got some entries that left my mouth wide open, you mean this person cheated with this other person, someone wanted to be a drama queen, I had a crush on someone and was planning my future with that person. I have to say, some things never change. 

There were sweet memories too. I mentioned the first day I met some people and the way I felt about them, I was a bit detailed with some of the experiences I had. Like going to meet up with a guy at the mall as a minor. I laughed at my grammar, my loves, it was terrible, I couldn’t differentiate I’m from Am. And the text messages that made it into this memoir should never appear in my life again, what in the name of abbreviation was that?
Tuur Tisseghem
Source: pexels.com
What I find interesting in that memoir is that I have lost contact with almost everyone, except Huswat, Kaycee. I still have Ore, Funbi and Joy’s contact info. Also, all those seemingly big and defining moments are no longer important. They don’t seem to make it into my story again. I must confess, I made very silly decisions growing up, and one of them is holding on to anger. This is the part where I say thank God for growth. Another thing I noticed, and it is somewhat still of relevance is this, my life was uneventful to the extent every minor thing seems so pivotal in the grand scheme of things, or maybe my focus was just too narrow. 

Finally, I realize I hate to change my mind. It is something I have defined myself by for so long. If I have said I want to do something, doing otherwise feels like treason. I want to be able to change my mind, and I want to do so without feeling guilty or feeling like a liar. I don’t want to be fickle-minded and I am trying not to be as rigid as I used to be.
If you ask me where all this is coming from, well, it is because I found myself wanting something I already said I don’t want anytime soon. It is hard to quiet that voice in your head calling you a liar.

Special thanks to Adaobi(Aeon) and Munachi for helping me with the move. 
Until next time.

With Love,
The Estherian.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Effectiveness Of Fear

-
Image
Some days, I struggle to come up with what to write, which idea is worth exploring or what to talk about. Other days, the idea hits me like a freight train going at maximum speed. And this is one of those ideas. Photo credit: Mikhail Nilov Source: pexels.com  I don't know if you know that I live in the South-Eastern part of Nigeria, or if you are aware of the sit-at-home order every Monday imposed on the region by IPOB. The sit-at-home order has been on since August 2021, and towards the end of the year, it became sort of inconsequential. Although I avoided leaving my immediate environs on Mondays, I sometimes go out to visit friends or run errands. When the new year came around, I truly believed that the sit-at-home was over, and I was not the only one with that train of thought, what we didn't know was that whoever gave that order had put measures in place to ensure we complied and that brings me to my story for today. After talking with a few friends and classmates,  we dec...
Read more

Today, I Turn 21

-
Image
I would like to start by stating that I stole the title from a note that inspired me to put this up. Source: Weheartit.com I am aware that I am a collection of different people, ideas and inspiration, and maybe I am not an original, but it does not take away from the fact that the collection of all that makes me, well me, is a unique and somewhat original pattern and in the vastness of the universe and the depth of my insignificance, I am here, and I am leaving my mark. You see, I have always been afraid of the next day and I always thought there were a few things I needed to have that would make life a lot better; love, a partner, being the best student, and I chased after this blindly not caring what became of me. I believed if I at least had these things, I am going to have a chance. I am happy to announce I don't have any of that as I turn 21, at least not in the way I imagined. I have had quite a detour in life, learning the things I didn't consider important. And if there...
Read more

An adventure called Friendship: What I have learnt

-
Image
The Passion Translation Growing up, I was always indoors and it kinda made me a bit reserved and shy. It didn't help the fact that I am introverted and could not make friends quite easily. A  friend means different thing to different people, so I want to break down all the people I refer to as my friends into categories, permit me, I always fall into the trap of placing people into boxes. The people that I meet and relate to on a surface level due to a common ground or interest. The people I have around or those that see me around and all we share is one or two nice words and we have no common interest or nothing whatsoever. The people who know me and we talk to each other a lot, we share similar interest, ideals and just about anything. The people that know almost everything about me, likes and dislikes, almost the same set of beliefs and we do things together. They are my go-to people for advice and we face life together. They are my real gees. Finally, there are those that we us...
Read more