08: Still on friendship?

Another post on friendship?

Friendship?

Can’t you praise God?

Can’t you talk realities things?

Photo credits: Maria Loznevaya
Source: pexels.com

I don’t hate change, and I don’t hate things evolving into something else. 

I don’t deal well with change, though. I don’t do well with the things that can disrupt my being and shake me to my core. I don’t like losing systems that I have built, and I don’t like being pushed to my wit’s end. I hate taking the last resort. I hate contingency plans. But I allow them to happen because what can I do or say about that?

On Vulnerability.

That’s what we’re here for. Fuck the shallow waters; immerse yourself. In your people and in your God.

Mofiyinfoluwa Okupe

Vulnerare - to wound.

I used to be scared of vulnerability—scared of baring myself to others because of the likelihood of being misunderstood or abandoned by them. I have been hurt by the few people I tried being vulnerable with and that sort of pushed me further into myself. Lately, I find it difficult to immerse myself in the people that surround me. Perhaps, I've strengthened my defences over time.

Last week, I found myself in a limbo of sorts with another person that I had gotten close to within a short period, and now, I feel like I can never be myself with this person anymore. It felt like I couldn’t talk, I couldn't be, and I was the third bottle of beer, the one, according to Toni Morrison, that you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because what difference does it make? 

I am tired of having demands no one seems to be able to fulfil, and I am tired of demanding these things from others, so I am leaving, packing what is left of my dignity and self-respect, and staying with myself with all my demands and expectations. I want to immerse myself, though, and I want to be vulnerable because I have learned that the genuine, wholesome, and heartfelt relationships I seek can only be found in a place of vulnerability.

I just can’t find where or with whom. 

Maybe that is the problem with wanting to immerse yourself in your people; they must be willing to do the same thing with you, right after you find out who they are.

On Friendship.

Last year, I had a terrible friendship breakup that slipped into every facet of my life, and by the end of the year, I had to pull the plug on that friendship forever. I hate saying goodbye to the people I consider my forever friends, and I hate saying that goodbye because of a tiff. If you asked me what the root cause was, I would tell you but at the same time wonder why things had to be that way. Our friend group shattered because of that, and I am faced with the reality that we will never get back to how we used to be.

I've discovered two types of friendship: circumstantial and kindred.

I have friendships that I consider kindred, and these are the people that I don’t mind immersing myself in. These are the people I run to. 

For so long, I acted like all my close friendships were kindred, and I treated them like that, giving my all, going the extra mile, inconveniencing myself to please them, slitting my wrist open when no one asked for an offering of blood, and constantly burning myself out to keep those friendships afloat. Now I know that they are not and were never intended to be, and I was so attached to these people that my inability to make this simple distinction has caused me to suffer.

The inability to make this distinction is the reason you said I love-bombed you, the reason I became overbearing, the reason I sacrificed my self-worth, the reason I cried in those voice notes, and the reason I couldn’t let go. The reason I felt slighted whenever they attended to me at their own time and pace.

I was too vested in finding my people and doing everything to make them stay, and at the end of it all, I learned they didn’t want to, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am not saying my friends aren't great, far from that.

I have seen them stay by my side, and we have gone through a lot together, especially the madness of medical school together. But at some point it seemed like the energy wasn’t always balanced, the vibe was somewhat off, and I wasn’t sure what was wrong. For example, all it took to break us apart was falling out. Then again, I might have been looking for something I can't name, but I believed I would recognize it when I came into contact with it.  

I think I spend too much time and effort looking for my people. I think it is unhealthy to live that way. Also, I think I drove myself into a place of mental exhaustion, and now I give up. I think I will struggle to be with someone that considers me kindred moving forward, and I might keep exhausting the people that want to stay; I will drive them insane till they leave me. The unfortunate takeaway from this, though, is that I have given up on friendship, by which I mean making new friends and meeting new people.

I think that I have lost my life in an attempt to save it, and now I want to watch my world burn because I am convinced there is nothing left to do. I hate last resort and contingency plans, and now I have exhausted all my options.  

Until next time,

The Estherian  💛💛